


bad news

by ronanlynchisneversleepingagain



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, mostly non-romantic rovinsky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7343779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronanlynchisneversleepingagain/pseuds/ronanlynchisneversleepingagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Adam Parrish had known that Gansey and Ronan Lynch were a package deal, he might have re-considered befriending Gansey. </p><p>College AU in which Adam is a double major poli sci/philosophy and owns a lot of plants and Ronan is struggling to find a coping mechanism that is not Joseph Kavinsky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably going to jump forward in time at a pretty regular pace - more of a sketch of the trajectory of their relationship than a deep study of the daily developments.

 Adam Parrish would not have normally stopped. He had just finished his last final of the semester and the freedom of the summer would be short-lived as it was, considering he that started a full-time gig as clerk at a local firm the next day.  It’s not like he had felt like he needed to assist every stranded motorist in the tri-state area. He especially hadn’t felt like he needed to help every stranded orange Camaro in the tri-state area. In fact, he had maybe even actively avoid helping stranded orange Camaros in the past. But this particular Camaro, thin lines of smoke rising lazily from the engine and the worried slope of its driver’s shoulders had tugged at Adam until he had turned his own car around and pulled up behind it.

His little shitbox of a car had looked especially glum next to the furiously orange Camaro and Adam tried not to lose his nerve as he had folded himself out of the car. He was a little too tall to comfortably get in and out of the Civic, but it was all he could afford after tuition and rent so he had gotten used to ducking.

The driver of the Camaro had turned to greet him, tucking a sleek phone in his pocket and waving at Adam. Adam had forced himself to wave back and not shove his hands in his pockets. When he stepped around the front end of the Camaro, he’d squinted at the driver who looked familiar enough for Adam to recognize him as a fellow student, but not familiar enough to know why he knew that. The driver clearly recognized him as well and gave him an appraising look.

“It’s Adam, right?” he had asked and his voice had a rolling Southern lilt that had reminded Adam vaguely of home. It was a hard voice to forget. Adam remembered him suddenly as the boy who sat in front of him in his freshman seminar. A history major who all the professors fawned over.

That was how Adam found himself bent over the Camaro three days later.

Gansey, as the other boy’s name had turned out to be, watched over his shoulder as Adam shimmied a piece loose and then replaced it. He stepped aside and let Gansey reach forward. Gansey had worn a t-shirt and jeans and although Adam barely knew him, the outfit was not something that suited Gansey. Especially considering he had not bothered to trade in his boat shoes for more suitable footwear. Adam looked down to his own trainers and shook his head in partial disbelief that he was here, in a driveway of what might be a converted warehouse, and that he was with someone who wore boat shoes to learn how to fix a head gasket.

“No, the other one,” Adam corrected Gansey and pointed to the right part.

“Ah,” Gansey said, as though Adam had just clarified a logic puzzle or solved a calculus problem for him. Adam was at the very least impressed that Gansey didn’t seem to mind getting himself dirty in the pursuit of knowledge. When he had asked Adam if he could teach him how to fix the car instead of towing it to the nearest garage, Adam had thought that maybe he was joking. He had not been joking. Now, Adam watched as Gansey tightened the correct part and leaned back in satisfaction. Adam checked that he had screwed it on all the way and grinned at Gansey, caught up in the other boy’s obvious pleasure in the moment.

“Turn the engine over, let’s see if you have a future as an auto mechanic,” Adam said. Gansey fished his keys out of his pocket and caught them in his hand before opening the door of the Camaro and sliding in. Adam stepped back from the engine and Gansey turned it over, letting it roar to life.

“Looks good!” Adam yelled over the howl of the engine and Gansey cut it. He emerged, smiling from ear to ear. He clapped Adam on the back in a collegial, open way and Adam smiled too. It had been a long time since he’d worked on any car but his own and it felt nice to feel so useful again. Grading papers just didn’t have the same gratification, although it kept him closer to his bed and considerably cleaner than his shifts at the local garage had.

“Excellent,” Gansey said, looking at the engine of the Camaro as if it were a mountain he had just scaled. Adam reached for the prop and let the hood down carefully. Gansey patted the hood of the car fondly and put his keys back in his pocket. “Do you want to get dinner? My treat.”

Normally, Adam would have refused. He had already spent a long day gophering at the firm, he had papers he still needed to grade as part of his work-study position and possibly, at some point, he needed to sleep. But his stomach growled loudly at the suggestion and Gansey took it as a yes before Adam could really answer.

“Excellent,” Gansey said again and motioned for Adam to follow him inside of the strange building that overlooked the parking lot. It had definitely been a warehouse at some point, Adam had decided. At some point in building’s life, it had been converted into a series of awkward townhouses that were carved at odd angles from the steel façade. Gansey turned back to him to make sure he was following and Adam walked forward at the unspoken invitation. Gansey smiled again, a looser, more casual version of the first smile and then asked, “Adam, what do you know about Welsh kings?”

 

\--

 

If Adam did not know much at all about Welsh kings before he followed Gansey up the stairs to his townhouse, he thought that he was probably about to get an education based on the contents of the spacious townhouse that Gansey led him into. There were shelves filled with books and piles overflowing onto the floor, most of them were thick and dusty in the way that only history books could be. Gansey had poked his head into a bedroom and was talking quietly with its occupant, so Adam was left to his own devices and he studied the titles on the shelf nearest him. Most of the titles were in English, but some were in what he suspected was Welsh and Middle English. There was a Latin primer and dictionary in one of the nearby piles and Adam could see pages dog-eared and a few post-it notes, bright pink, poking out.

“Ronan,” Gansey said and there was sharp edge in his voice that seemed so out of place that Adam looked up to see what was happening. Gansey was still standing in the doorway of the bedroom, but looked considerably more annoyed than Adam thought him capable of. Another, much taller boy shoved past him then, pulling on a leather jacket and looking baleful about it.

“I said I’m not in the mood, Dick,” the other boy said. His eyes had immediately fixed on Adam when he exited his room, skirting Gansey, and he scowled. “I didn’t realize you’d brought home a pet.”

This was directed to Gansey, but the boy’s eyes had been trained on Adam. Adam flinched and looked away, back to the books. He felt very small and wanted to feel smaller, to disappear. This was not a world that he belonged in.

“Ronan Lynch,” Gansey said, his voice was tight and angry. If he had been a different sort of person, Adam might have thought he was ready to hit the taller boy, but he was Gansey and so his anger was neatly contained and measured.

“Whatever,” the other boy – Ronan – said and then, with another scowl in Adam’s direction, he left, slamming the front door behind him. The absence of him made his presence there a moment ago all the more strange. Although Adam had not given any thought to who Gansey might have shared his townhouse with, if he had been given time to imagine a roommate for Gansey, he would not have imagined Ronan Lynch by any stretch.

“He’s not…” Gansey let out a long breath before continuing. “He’s going through a rough time right now and he’s normally a little more pleasant to be around.”

“Right,” Adam said, because he wasn’t sure what else there was to say. Gansey sighed again and rubbed a hand over his face. He looked suddenly like he was a million years old, instead of the twenty or twenty-one years that he must really be. Adam was fascinated by the transformation.

Although Gansey’s good mood seemed to have evaporated, he still insisted that he buy Adam dinner and so they walked across campus to a small, dingy pizza parlor called Nino’s. It was the type of place beloved by college students and mostly avoided by the locals because of its cheap prices and steady flow of beer.

They were greeted by a bored waitress, whose dark hair was held up by an almost impossible amount of brightly colored clips. Her eyes brightened a bit once they had slid over Adam and recognized Gansey.

“Hey,” she said softly and he stirred from his contemplative fugue beside Adam.

“Hey, Jane, how’s the day treating you?” Gansey asked in a reasonable imitation of his normal voice. Adam wouldn’t have known he was faking it except that Gansey had only moments before frowning beside him.

“By the looks of it, better than it’s treating you,” the waitress said and this again, surprised Adam. That Gansey would be so known by a waitress in a greasy pizza parlor on campus was almost shocking. He tried not to be too obvious in sneaking a look at her, but she was reaching for a menu, so she didn’t notice anyways. She was very pretty. A slight girl with dark, wild hair and bright blue tights that had been ripped in what seemed purposeful holes. She led them an empty table in the back and leaned against the booth after Gansey and Adam had both settled.

When it became clear that Gansey was too preoccupied to do it himself, the girl sighed and trained her eyes on Adam. She held out a hand for him to shake.

“I’m Blue,” she said and although Adam understood the words, they jumbled strangely in his head and he had to ask her to repeat it. He thought maybe his one hearing ear was playing a trick on him and turned his head a bit to hear better.

“I’m sorry, what?” he said.

“My name is Blue,” she clarified, still holding out a hand for Adam to shake. He shook it and introduced himself. “Nice to meet you, Adam.”

“I’ve told her it’s an impossible name,” Gansey said, casting the girl a rueful look. She cuffed him upside the head, but even that small reprimand was obviously well-practiced. If Adam were a betting man, he would guess that Blue had been cuffing Gansey upside the head for a good while, which was interesting only in that Blue was the exact opposite of the kind of woman Adam would have imagined Richard Gansey dating. His thoughts shifted back to Gansey’s roommate, Ronan, and Adam concluded that perhaps he had thoroughly misjudged the kind of person that Gansey was.

“What’s gotten into you?” Blue asked. She poked Gansey’s shoulder pointedly.

Gansey shrugged, but then said, “Lynch is being impossible.”

Blue snorted and Adam liked her all the better for it, because it was an inelegant kind of sound as a response to Gansey’s diplomatic and polished presence.

“You act as though that’s a new development,” she said.

“Is it so much to ask for him to pretend sometimes?” Gansey asked and it was a bit more theatrical than it needed to be. Blue rolled her eyes and Gansey opened his hands  in defeat, but seemed in better humor. “He really does grow on you.”

This was directed at Adam. Adam shrugged, remembering nothing but the sharp and unkind look that Ronan had given him on his way out of the apartment.

“He’s not always completely awful,” Blue offered, which made Adam laugh. Gansey smiled too, although it was more long-suffering than conspiratorial as Blue’s smile was. “And if you’re going to be hanging around with Gansey, you’ll have to live with him either way.”

Gansey grimaced, confirming the truth.     

 

\--

 

Ronan was having a bad day. This was no longer unusual. Almost every day since he had found his father dead in a pool of his own blood had been a bad day. Today was worse, maybe because it was cheerily sunny June afternoon outside or maybe because of the green post-it note that had been on the front door of the townhouse when he’d gotten home that afternoon.

_u coming to 4 th of july?_

He hadn’t signed it, but Ronan knew it was from Kavinsky. He’d crumpled it up and thrown it in the trash, but his mind kept returning to it as he lay in his room, throwing a ball up at the ceiling. Kavinsky had been sending increasingly erratic texts all week which Ronan had ignored, as usual. Now, apparently, Kavinsky had devolved to note passing. Ronan reach for the bottle of whiskey that he had tucked under his bed and found it was empty – another contribution to his bad day.

He could hear soft chatter in the living room, occasionally punctuated by Blue’s laugh or a deeper chuckle that belonged to Gansey’s new friend, Adam Parrish. Both annoyed Ronan. Blue because she threatened Ronan’s monopoly of Gansey’s time and Adam Parrish because…Ronan couldn’t quite decide yet what was most annoying about Adam Parrish. It might be the way he had clearly been mesmerized by Blue’s breasts the other day at Nino’s or the way his accent rolled pleasantly out even though he was obviously trying to tame it. It might just be Adam’s hands, all lithe muscle and calluses and completely off-limits to Ronan.

He let that thought linger a moment longer, before the post-it note from Kavinsky gnawed at the corner of his mind again. Ronan made a frustrated noise and swung up from the bed. He didn’t want to be alone just then or he might do something stupid like call Kavinsky. (Or worse, drive over to the drag and see Kavinsky.) He pulled on a shirt before walking out into the living room. All three of them looked up in surprise.

“Hey,” Ronan grunted and threw himself on the couch next to Adam.

Gansey looked stupidly pleased that he was there.

“So nice of you to join us,” Blue said, the first to find her voice.

“I had dinner with you on Wednesday,” Ronan said. He fiddled with bracelets on his wrist and leaned back on the couch, throwing his head back.

“Oh, you mean when you three came to Nino’s while I was working and you sulked in silence the whole time?” Blue asked, her voice sharp. Ronan rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, Sargent,” he said.

Blue looked to be gearing up to say something more, but Gansey put a light hand on her thigh to hold her back. She crossed her arms instead and Ronan mirrored the act, knowing it would make her angry. She huffed.

Ronan turned his head to look at Adam, who was looking at him with an unreadable expression.

“Parrish, don’t you have cooler friends to hang out with than these two?” Ronan asked. Gansey had adopted Adam into his fold almost a month ago and Adam was becoming as much of a fixture in the townhouse as Blue. Ronan did not mind. Adam Parrish was tall and lean, his face all angles and freckles, completely unlike the broad-jawed and clean-cut boys that populated the rest of campus. They had had a rocky start, but Gansey had forced Ronan to apologize to Adam _(“For fucking what?” “For being rude.”)_ and the boys had formed a tenuous alliance against Gansey and Blue’s inherent coupleness.

Adam smiled just then, a small, secret smile that made Ronan’s heart do uncomfortable things in his chest.

“No,” Adam said, his vowels long and smooth. “Everybody stopped talking to me after they saw I was hanging out with you.”

Ronan smiled. He threw his arms out behind him on the couch and Adam’s shoulder brushed against his hand as the boy shifted beside him. Ronan coveted a glance at him and did not move his arm away. He tried not to think about the fact that Adam did not move his shoulder away either, although he had plenty of room.

“That is a common side effect of befriending Ronan Lynch, I’m afraid,” Gansey said. “Sorry to have dragged you into it, Adam.”

Adam shrugged and leaned back farther into the couch, more of his shoulder brushing against Ronan’s arm.

“Couldn’t be helped, I suppose,” Adam said.

“Losers,” Ronan agreed and Adam smirked.

Later that night, all four of them were heavy-lidded with sleep after one too many movies. Ronan would have preferred the night with alcohol, but found the potential of Gansey’s disapproving glare too much of an annoyance just then to propose walking to the liquor store around the corner. Plus, Adam Parrish had made himself very comfortable next to Ronan and he was uncomfortably aware of it.

“I should get going,” Adam said, stretching away from the couch as the final credits rolled. At some point his leg had slid next to Ronan’s, pressing against it, and Ronan immediately missed the sudden absence of it.

“Did you walk?” Blue asked. “I’ll head that way with you.”

“Don’t be silly, Jane,” Gansey said. “I’ll drive both of you that way. It’s too far far to walk in this heat.”

“I don’t mind,” Blue said, but she shrugged. “But I won’t turn down a ride either.”

Ronan knew where Blue lived – a cramped house in a neighborhood that bordered the campus, but decidedly not a part of it. It was house filled to the brim with Blue’s family and a few women of indeterminate origin. He hadn’t known that Adam lived in the same area. He had pictured Adam in one of the cramped dorm rooms in the center of campus. He wondered why Blue knew where Adam lived.

“I can give you a ride, Parrish,” Ronan offered. “Spare you from a car ride with those two idiots making googly eyes at each other.”

Gansey made a small squawk of protest, but was silenced by Ronan’s glare and Blue’s firm, “Great idea!” Gansey squinted at him appraisingly.

“Thanks, man,” Adam said.

“Are you going out after?” Gansey asked. Ronan’s glare sharpened and he stood from the couch to grab his keys without answering immediately. When he came back, Blue and Adam were clearing the table of their dinner remains and chatting softly. Gansey had risen from the armchair as well, but was clearly waiting for Ronan to return.

“Ronan,” Gansey said, casting a look over to Blue and Adam to make sure they weren’t listening. “I know Kavinsky’s been calling again. I just want to make sure – “

“Don’t worry, _Dick_ ,” Ronan interrupted, clapping him hard on the back. This caught the attention of Blue and Adam both and Ronan raised an eyebrow at them in challenge. “You ready to go, Parrish?”

Adam nodded and said goodbye to Blue. He exchanged a fist bump with Gansey and Blue pressed a box of leftovers in his hands. He tried to give it back to her, but she wouldn’t take it. Finally, he followed Ronan down to the parking lot and climbed into the BMW.

In the car, they were silent except for Adam’s occasional directions. Ronan had to make a few u-turns because he sped by a stop sign that he needed to turn at, but Adam did not complain. Finally, Ronan pulled into the parking lot of the dingiest apartments he’d ever seen. They were sagging and gray and a forgotten couch had been left on the porch next to one of the units. Ronan opened his mouth to say something, but swallowed the thought as soon as it came because he remembered how carefully Adam had counted out his money the other night at the diner, refusing Gansey’s offer to pick up his bill. He tapped his hand on the steering wheel instead and looked over to Adam, who was lingering in the seat next to him.

“Do you want a beer?” Adam asked and the question was so surprising that Ronan didn’t answer for a beat too long. Adam said a quick, “Nevermind” at the same time that Ronan finally said, “Yeah.”

“Oh, okay,” Adam said and swung his door open. Ronan cut the engine and followed him. “Good.”

Adam had a first-floor one bedroom that was just as dingy on the inside as it was on the outside. It had the look of a place that wanted to be kept carefully clean, but the dirt was so well-established that it was a losing battle. He had a single, worn-out sofa pushed into the corner to make room for a twin bed. He pulled two beers out of the fridge and nodded towards a glass sliding door on the opposite side of the room. Ronan opened the door and stepped out onto a surprisingly roomy patio. There were two lawn chairs - once red, now faded pink – squeezed between plants of all sizes hung on the fence and in neat rows on open shelving.

Adam sank into one of the lawn chairs and handed Ronan his beer as soon as he sat beside him. They cheered silently before each taking long gulps of the cold beer. The silence should have been awkward, but it felt comfortable and warm between them. Ronan sank further into the lawn chair, holding the beer to his chest and looking at all the plants around him.

"What are you doing here all summer anyway, man?" Adam asked.

Ronan sighed and leaned forward, elbows digging into his legs. He had several versions of this answer including, _because my brother Declan is a fucking asswipe_ and _because Gansey is an overprotective dad who worries too much_.

Instead, he said, "Gansey likes to have all of his things in one place." It was not necessarily a lie.

Adam pressed his lips together. Ronan felt his stomach lurch at the other boy's obvious annoyance. He forgot that Adam didn't know the real truth of the thing. He assumed everyone knew, but Adam so clearly didn't that Ronan had to take a moment to gather his thoughts. 

"Gansey didn't tell you?" Ronan asked. He didn’t like his voice just then because it sounded fragile and stupid. He cleared his throat, squaring his shoulders in the chair. Of course, Gansey wouldn't have told him - he wasn't in the business of telling other people's secrets, but it was the easiest opening Ronan could think of. Still, Adam's face flickered for half a moment with some dark recognition before it cleared again. 

"He told me once that you used to be more pleasant to be around," Adam said. His usually faint drawl was heavier just then, laden with sarcasm. "But I've yet to see any proof of that."

Ronan allowed a sharp, loud _Ha!_ of a laugh escape from him. Adam had a sly smile on his face. Ronan took another swig of his beer, finishing it off and setting it on the ground. He ran a hand over his bare head and considered Adam. 

"Fucking Gansey," Ronan said. "I'm extremely pleasant."

Adam shook his head and waved his beer as he stood and went inside. Ronan heard the fridge open and close and Adam re-appeared with two more beers. Ronan took it gratefully. 

"My dad died," Ronan said abruptly before Adam had even finished sitting down again. The other boy froze. Ronan’s face twisted in dissatisfaction at the phrase. The words were inelegant for their purpose - _died_ being such a tame substitute for _bludgeoned_ or _murdered_. "Two years ago."

Adam's face was grim. Ronan peeled the label off of his bottle and smoothed it back on upside down. He was used to this, at least. The sudden solemnity of the knowledge – it affected nearly everyone the same. Adam looked pensive and Ronan could almost hear the wheels of his brain turning and fitting pieces together. Ronan allowed himself to be studied by Adam Parrish, relished it even. He curled his fingers in the leaves of what he thought might be an aloe plant next to him and waited for Adam to tell him to stop.

"What does that have to do with this summer?" Adam asked instead. Normally the question would have rankled Ronan but the careful way in which Adam asked it neatly defused his ire. It was a piece of the puzzle, not a stray curiosity.  

"He left me the farm," Ronan said and Adam's brow furrowed further. "But I can't have it until I graduate. Until then, it's under guardianship and I'm not allowed home. It's a fucking stupid thing, but Declan is a real motherfucker about it."

Adam nodded once, slowly. He licked his lips as though he were about to say something but stopped. They sat in silence for a long time. It occurred to Ronan that Adam probably didn’t even know who Declan was and that was a whole other thing to explain to him. The burden of initiating a new friend felt heavy on his shoulders.

Finally, Adam broke the silence with another careful, precise question.

"And who is Kavinsky?" 

Ronan froze. He had not been prepared to hear the name and he felt naked in his surprise. His hand gripped the bottle so hard his knuckles turned white. He wasn’t used to hearing the name in such a neutral tone. Usually it was a sideways, nasty thing coming from other people with all the ugly things they believed of Kavinsky stuffed into their intonation.

"Who the fuck told you about Kavinsky?" He snarled, each word a weapon in his mouth.  Adam did not flinch to his credit and Ronan saw his jaw clench, ticking. The question sat between them uncomfortably for several long moments. Then, Adam shrugged, letting it go and standing up, mirroring Ronan’s hostility.

“Forget it,” Adam said and Ronan felt the dismissal in his tone. “I thought we were talking.”

“We were,” Ronan said. His voice was still dangerous. “But not about him.”

Ronan stared at the plants for a moment longer, noticing the careful tending despite the cracked, mismatched pots that were gathered on the patio. He would have needed a fucking field guide to identify all of them. This knowledge, that Adam Parrish clearly loved his stupid, potted plants and he had invited Ronan to the patio where he kept them, made Ronan angry. It was a surly coil of anger that settled in his stomach like a snake.

Adam stood, leaning in the door, obviously waiting for Ronan to leave. Ronan stood, twisting the beer bottle in his hand. He took a long drink to kill it. Then, before he left Adam to his plants, he said, "Joseph Kavinsky is nothing but a bad fucking dream, man.” 

 


	2. Part Two

            Adam sank into one of the soft library recliners thankfully. The best part of the library in the summer, he thought, was that there was never any competition for the best seats. He had already been at the firm for most of the day and only had two hours before the library closed, but he didn’t feel like going home just then. Besides, he had a stack of papers to grade for Professor Milo’s summer session. During the regular semester, Adam was furiously grading papers and helping students with writing at all hours, but in the summer, the hours were drastically reduced. The last two summers, he had worked at the factory in town to make up for the lost income – this summer, he had scored a dizzying and exhausting paid internship at a law firm in town. His job duties consisted mostly of filing and running messages from one office to another, but it was a foot in the door and Adam was determined to make it work.

            He had just pulled out a stack of papers to grade, when the armchair beside him squeaked as someone sat down in it. He looked up to see Gansey, dressed in a ridiculously bright teal polo shirt that Adam was sure would have been visible from space.

            “Thought you might be lurking these parts,” Gansey said and bumped fists with Adam.

            “What brings you here?” Adam asked.

            Gansey held up a small book with a peeling cover and gilt letters. Adam could not read the title, but recognized the look of the Welsh language well enough by now to know the book was probably Glendower-related. Gansey’s quest for knowledge did not rest – even when classes were over, it seemed.

            “You know, your PhD dissertation isn’t due for another three years, right?” Adam said.

            “Glendower waits for no man,” Gansey answered in a fake affront, holding the book protectively to his chest. Gansey’s affection for a dead Welsh king had been strange at first, but now it seemed so intrinsic to what made Gansey _Gansey_ that it was hard to imagine him without his obsessive research notes and endless books on the subject.

            “He’s been dead for hundreds of years. I’m pretty all he does is wait,” Adam said, because it was true and because he knew it would make Gansey laugh.

            He did. A full, rich laugh and then he looked around to make sure he hadn’t disturbed anyone. There was no one to disturb except for a bored librarian at the front desk who had disappeared anyway, so Gansey sat back in the chair with a mirthful smile on his face. He opened the small tome in his hands and thumbed through the pages with clear affection.

            Adam turned back to his papers and started marking them up, circling and crossing answers out. Gansey read quietly beside him, immediately and completely absorbed in his book and obviously willing to sit there until Adam was finished. Adam felt a rush of affection for the easy friendship that Gansey offered – it was if they had been friends for years instead of just a little over a month. When he reached the end of his stack of papers, he stretched in the chair and flexed his hand experimentally. It had been a long day.

            Gansey waited for Adam to gather all of his things together before rising himself, tucking the book under his arm.

            “What are you doing next weekend?” Gansey asked as soon as they had cleared the front doors of the library. Adam had no plans except what he always did on the weekends – make up for the sleep lost in the week and catch up on the chores he had neglected. His birthday was Friday, but he never celebrated anyway, so it seemed irrelevant to mention.

            “No plans,” he said.

            “How would you feel about coming home with me?” Gansey asked and the question threw Adam off-balance for a moment.

            “Home?” Adam asked stupidly. “Like to D.C.?”

            Adam was trying to think about the last time he had been so close to his own home in Virginia and realized it had been almost two and a half years. He had gone home, briefly, for Christmas in his freshman year to see if things could be mended, to see if he could forgive his father, but it had been so disastrous that he had never thought about making the drive again.

            “My mother is holding a fundraiser for the Fourth of July,” Gansey said. “I thought it might be a good opportunity for you to shake some hands.”

            When Adam had first made the connection about Gansey’s mother – _as in the Susan Gansey currently running for U.S. Senator?_ – he had felt completely alien. He never quite forgot that Gansey was a different breed from him. In fact, most of the time it was impossible to not be smacked in the face by it, but this discovery, that Gansey was likely to become the son of a senator had been a lot to handle when Adam had discovered it.  Adam, who had originated from dirt and bruises, was so far from that world that it felt impossible that Gansey would want him around. Sometimes, it felt like he was waiting for the joke or inevitable prank around the corner that would explain Gansey’s attention, but Gansey’s genuine friendship was such an unassailable truth that it was hard to hang onto the paranoia for long.

            “Me? At an election fundraiser?” Adam asked in disbelief. He was trying to put himself there, to imagine his second-hand suit in that crowd of polished, career politicians and politicians’ wives. Gansey clapped him on the back encouragingly.

            “It has to happen eventually,” Gansey said. “And I have to be there anyway. Thought it might be nice to have an ally.”

            “What about Blue?” Adam asked, but he already knew the answer. He was sure Gansey had invited her and she had flatly refused. She wouldn’t be caught dead at a stuffy event full of Republicans. Gansey grimaced and it was all the confirmation he needed. He didn’t need to ask about Ronan. Ronan at an election fundraiser would have been a disaster, both metaphorically and literally. “When would we need to leave?” he asked instead.

            “My sister will come get us Saturday morning,” Gansey said and then as an afterthought, “Have you ever ridden in a helicopter before?”

            Adam gave Gansey a sidelong look to judge his sincerity.

            “A helicopter? No, I haven’t,” Adam said. He tried not to let the _Obviously_ sneak into his tone, but by Gansey’s apologetic frown, he knew it had snuck in. Gansey often forgot that not everyone had helicopters and yachts and Adam often had trouble not expressing his annoyance at Gansey’s forgetfulness.

            “So, you’ll come?” Gansey sidestepped neatly, recovering from the awkward moment.

            Adam shrugged.

            “Sure.”

            They had reached the parking lot by then and Adam felt his chest twist a little wistfully at the sight of his Honda-like monstrosity sitting next to the brilliantly orange Camaro. It was nearly dark, but the sun had not quite given up yet. Adam realized that he was starving – he had forgotten dinner in his drive to finish his work and he was sure there was nothing at home to eat. He hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping in a week and he had finished the leftovers he had yesterday.

            “Nino’s?” Gansey asked, as if reading Adam’s mind.

            Adam nodded.

            “Is Blue working tonight?” he asked as walked towards the Honda, fishing for his keys.

            “No, she’s walking dogs or gardening or something,” Gansey said and the fondness in his voice was almost sickening it was so sweet. Adam raised an eyebrow, which he made sure Gansey saw, before climbing into his car. Gansey smiled and gave a small wave as the Camaro roared to life.

            At Nino’s, they settled into a booth in the far corner of the greasy joint. It was a slow night, as evidenced by the many empty tables and the bored wait staff. Gansey texted Blue and Ronan to join them, but Blue declined because as she put it, _I spend too much time in that godawful place already_ and Ronan, being Ronan, did not respond because he never did. He would either show up or not, but probably not. Adam tried not to be hopeful. It was much more likely that he would not show, especially after the weird fight that they had had a few nights ago. Adam wasn’t even sure if it had been a fight, because Ronan was so frustratingly awful so much of the time that it was hard to tell when he was really angry. Adam had spent a lot of time – too much time – dwelling on Ronan.

            In fact, he didn’t think he had been so pre-occupied with dissecting another person’s every action since he had had a crush on the girl who had sat next to him in Calculus freshman year. Ronan was a puzzle that had proved impossible to solve – one moment he was invading Adam’s space in a fuzzy, pleasingly comfortable way and the next he was all barbed wire and bared teeth, wild and unknowable. Adam found him impossibly handsome, which was another complication, another puzzle. He felt electric when Ronan brushed against him and inordinately pleased when he caught the other boy staring at him for a beat too long for it to be friendly. The problem was…Adam didn’t know what the problem was. He wasn’t sure if there was a problem.

            He sighed and looked over to Gansey, who was still having a rapid-fire text conversation with someone, probably Blue.

            “Gansey?” he asked and the other boy looked up and put his phone aside. It buzzed against the sticky plastic table. Adam swallowed, suddenly unsure what he had planned on saying. Gansey looked a little ashamed.

            “Sorry to be so rude,” Gansey said. “I was trying to convince Jane to join us, but she won’t be swayed.”

            Adam nodded and then shook himself, waving his hand.

            “No, it’s fine,” he added for good measure and Gansey’s face cleared.

            “Is something wrong?” Gansey asked and he was peering at Adam in concern. Adam ran a hand over his face. He was so tired. He should have just gone home and slept. Hunger be damned. He didn’t even know where to begin with what was wrong.

            “Ronan,” Adam said. It felt like the best summary he could manage at the moment and he gestured vaguely with his hands to express that he did not have anything more helpful to add.

            Gansey made a _hmm_ sound and tapped his fingers on the table thoughtfully.

            “He mentioned that he told you about his father,” Gansey said and by the flat, diplomatic tone, Adam surmised that Ronan had mentioned a lot more. Adam sighed.

            “I feel like I’m always setting off land mines I didn’t know to look out for around him,” Adam said honestly. Gansey nodded in understanding.

            The day after Ronan had come over, Adam had not been able to stop himself from googling Ronan’s father. The grisly details of what happened to Niall Lynch had stolen several nights’ worth of sleep from him.

            _Early Saturday morning, February 2, police responded to a 9-1-1 call at a farm in Singer’s Falls. Upon arrival, the police found the body of a 38-year-old male who had been beaten to death. The police report reveals that the body was Niall Lynch, the owner of the farm, and the body was found by his son, Ronan Lynch, 19, home from college. There are currently no suspects in what police are investigating as a homicide._

The words felt burned into Adam’s mind. He felt as though he didn’t understand anything. Gansey, across from him, seemed to read Adam’s horror and his frown deepened.

            “The internet is an awful place,” he said in unspoken agreement with Adam’s own thoughts and Adam was grateful again to have such a friend.

            “Yeah,” he sighed. He leaned on his hand, looking down at the now cold pizza between them and picking at the cheese. His insides felt knotted and heavy. He knocked his knuckles on the tables absently.

            “He likes you, you know,” Gansey said. Adam started, feeling himself tense, but then Gansey continued. “Normally he doesn’t play nice so quickly with others. It took him almost a year to get him and Jane to a point where I could leave them alone without worrying that they would kill each other. And you should see him when Henry Cheng comes over.”

            Adam relaxed in the booth, not meeting Gansey’s eyes and considering his words. He had thought for a moment that they were teetering on the edge of entirely different conversation, but this was safe territory.

            “Is Henry Cheng the guy who is in student senate?” Adam asked, although he knew the answer. He desperately wanted to talk about something that wasn’t Ronan all of a sudden because he thought he might say something he wasn’t ready to say out loud and then there would be no taking it back.

            Gansey smiled broadly.

            “You know him?” he asked. “He’s great.” Gansey held a hand to his heart and Adam snorted in laughter. Gansey launched into an animated story about Henry and Adam listened with half-attention until it was time to call it a night.

           

\--

 

 

            “I think you and me need to have a talk,” Blue announced as soon as Ronan opened the door to admit her.

            “Gansey’s not home,” Ronan said and made to close the door in her face. She stopped it with a practiced foot and pushed her way inside with a roll of her eyes.

            “I know that,” Blue said. “And he won’t be for another hour at least, which is why I came.”

            Ronan made an indeterminate noise of disapproval, but allowed the door to close behind her. He walked back to the couch and threw himself across it, so Blue was forced to take the armchair. She sat down with a swoosh of fabric from the improbable amount of tulle that hung from her waist. A plastic bag rustled at her feet and she reached into to grab two bags of chips, throwing one at Ronan’s head with dead aim. He took the bag and examined it closely before opening it.

            “What do you want, maggot?” he asked. “I was in the middle of something.” He gestured to the paused game on the big screen. Blue looked unimpressed. She crunched down on one of her chips and studied him closely.

            “I wanted to talk about Adam Parrish,” she said.

            “I don’t.” Ronan scowled at her and picked up a controller. She snatched it out of his hand and put it out of easy reach on the other side of armchair.

            “Well, I’ll talk and you listen, then.”

            Ronan huffed, crossing his arms. He laid down on the couch and shut his eyes against the glare of Blue’s pink skirt. It was giving him a headache. Most of Blue’s clothing gave him a headache if he thought too much about it. He was never sure how Gansey put up with it, much less seemed enchanted by it.

            “You like him,” Blue stated. Ronan opened his eyes to fix her with a baleful stare. She was unperturbed. “You should do something about it.”

            “That’s a fucking terrible idea, Sargent,” he said. He swung himself up from the couch, but Blue pulled him back down firmly. She looked stupidly triumphant about the whole thing when he sank back into the couch.

            “You didn’t say you didn’t like him,” she said. Ronan hated Blue Sargent. He did not respond and instead took a single chip out of the bag and crushed it between his fingers so the crumbs fell all over the table. He reached for another. “Ronan. Those are for eating.”

            Ronan stopped and threw the bag onto the table. He crossed his arms against his chest and Blue sighed a little before she leaned forward and put a hand on his knee.

            “You’re such a repressed little shit, did you know that?” she asked.

            “Thank you,” Ronan said snidely because he knew it would annoy her. She tapped his knee instead of rolling her eyes and then picked up the controller from the other side of the armchair.

            “Where’s the other one?” she asked and Ronan stirred himself to find it under the couch. He saved the game he had been in the middle of and then ejected the disc to put in the street racing game that Blue delighted in. He let her beat him twice and then she beat him on her own the third time. There was a low rumble outside that meant the Pig had arrived home and Gansey would be up shortly.

            Blue, still staring at the screen intently as she took a corner too sharply, said, “I just think you should give it a shot, Ronan. You might be surprised.”

            Ronan purposefully ran Blue’s car off the track.

 

\--

 

            Ronan made a study of Adam Parrish. Ronan noticed the slight slump of Adam’s shoulders that meant he had been at work too long. He noticed the carefully mended sports coat and tired creases of Adam’s shirts. He noticed Adam’s drawl, despite the boy’s efforts to flatten it. Most of all, he noticed Adam noticing him. Every time Ronan caught Adam looking at him, he felt a thrill run up his spine, but then the other boy would look away as though it hadn’t happened and Ronan would be left wondering if he had imagined it or if he had exaggerated its meaning. It was a terrible thing to live with – the not knowing and the longing to know.

            It didn’t help that his every day was punctuated with a new text from Kavinsky.

           

_yo lynch_

 

            _i know u miss this_

_r u coming to 4 th of july?_

_i have a surprise if u do_

            He had not left any more post-it notes or if he had, Ronan had not found them because Gansey had thrown them out. Every time his phone buzzed in Gansey’s company, Gansey would frown, stormy and disapproving. Ronan wanted to point out that he wasn’t responding, but he thought that maybe it didn’t matter so instead he let Gansey simmer.

            Gansey and Adam were going to D.C. for Fourth of July in two days. Ronan had flatly refused to accompany them, although Gansey had almost insisted. It was dangerous to leave Ronan to his own devices probably, but Gansey was clearly tired of hovering. It exhausted him in a way that made Ronan feel both annoyed and sympathetic.

            “I’m going to invite Matthew up for the weekend,” Ronan said to Gansey as they were eating at Nino’s that night. Adam looked up from his pizza as Gansey nodded in appreciation.

            “That’s a good idea,” Gansey said. His tone was carefully neutral and Ronan knew that there was relief in it somewhere. Gansey believed that if Matthew were here then Ronan wouldn’t be as tempted to get into trouble. Adam had a small frown on his face across the table.

            “My little brother,” Ronan said and Adam’s face cleared. Ronan was pleased to have correctly guessed the question before it was asked.

            “Got any plans for him?” Adam asked.

            Ronan shrugged.

            “Probably blow some shit up,” he said. The truth was he wasn’t even sure if Matthew could come. The idea had only occurred to him a few minutes ago.

            “Hooligan,” Adam said, but it was with a smile. Ronan caught his eye for the first time that night and smiled sharply. The other boy held his gaze. Ronan felt a rush of pure adrenaline at the calculating look in Adam’s eyes and then Adam looked away, breaking the moment.

            “What time does Sargent get off?” Ronan asked Gansey.

            “Late,” Gansey said imprecisely. “Eleven, I think.”

            “Let’s do something,” Ronan said. Gansey made a noise of approval.

            They drove to the grocery store, which was closed and dark. Adam leaned forward in the back seat to make himself heard over the thumping engine of the Pig.

            “What are we going to do here?” he asked. Ronan laughed and reached back to punch Adam on the shoulder. Gansey smiled too, clearly cheered by Ronan’s good mood. Ronan knew Gansey had chosen the empty parking lot with the express intention of pleasing Ronan – they had not been there for years, but it had been a regular haunt in their freshman year when things were easier. Tonight felt easy to Ronan.

             The carts were strewn across the parking lot like ghostly islands in the sea of pavement. Ronan jogged towards one of the closest ones and pushed it towards Adam as hard as he could. Adam caught it with a confused smile and Gansey let out a quiet whoop when he reached one of his own. Gansey did not wait for the other boys, jumping on the back of cart and pushing off, on a collision course with Ronan. Ronan quickly grabbed his own cart and took off in another direction. Adam, catching on, pushed off and tried to catch Gansey. The boys dueled in the parking lot until they were all out of breath and laughing. Ronan convinced Adam to hop into the basket of one of the carts and careened around the parking lot gleefully with Adam shouting directions.

            Gansey’s phone rang and he waved it in the air to show it was Blue. He walked back to the Camaro, leaving Ronan and Adam alone, with Adam still sitting awkwardly in the basket.

            “Looks like Mom wants us to come home,” Ronan said. He pushed the cart off again more slowly and hopped on the back of it as it coasted slowly forward.

            “It couldn’t last forever,” Adam said, a little wistfully. Ronan gripped the cart a little harder, pushing faster before jumping back on. They crashed into a cart corral with a mighty bang and Adam groaned. He made a move to climb out of the cart and Ronan grabbed his arm to help him. His hand lingered there for a moment after, although Adam didn’t really need his help. Ronan was standing as close as he had ever been to Adam and his heart raced at the realization of their proximity. Adam seemed to realize it at the same time and Ronan could hear his heart thumping in his ears as Adam gave him a long look.

            Then, Adam took a purposeful step backwards. Ronan removed his hand as if he had been scorched and turned away from Adam, kicking the cart as he did. Gansey was still talking on the phone with Blue, gesturing animatedly into space across the lot from them.

            “Ronan,” Adam said behind him. Ronan did not turn around. He played with the leather bracelets on his wrist, worrying at one of the knots with his teeth. Adam stepped in front of him. Adam’s slender features were twisted in unhappiness and Ronan burned with the knowledge of it. “I don’t…”

            Adam trailed off. He ran a hand through his thin hair and cast a quick, obvious glance towards Gansey.

            “I’m sorry,” Adam said. Ronan swallowed hard and looked away. Adam was speaking softly, as if he didn’t want to be overheard even though Gansey was well out of earshot. Ronan felt as though every part of him was afire with the shame of the moment. Ronan looked up at the sky, letting the warm summer night wash over him for a moment. He breathed in slowly and then shook himself.  

            “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, man,” Ronan said, every word precise. He tucked his hands into jeans and walked back to the Camaro, leaving Adam. On his way, Ronan kicked another cart again for good measure. Gansey hung up right as Ronan reached him and he took in Ronan’s sulking mood with a frown. Gansey’s eyes flicked back to Adam who was still standing across the parking lot from them where Ronan had left him and Ronan shrugged in response to the unspoken question.

            Later that night, as he lay in bed, sleepless and angry at himself, Ronan heard his phone buzz. A moment later, it began to ring. He answered it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 4th of july if you're american! have fun, be careful, don't lose any fingers in the pursuit of patriotism. 
> 
> follow me on tumblr: ronanlynchisneversleepingagain.tumblr.com


	3. Part Three

            It was the Fourth of July. Matthew had not come up, because he’d already made plans to float the river with his friends. He had invited Ronan to join them and Ronan had scoffed. Then he had gently implied that Declan would be in D.C. for the Fourth and he could drive down to see him. Ronan had hung up on him. Now, he was alone in the townhouse. Gansey had made one last attempt to get him to come with him to the fundraiser, but Ronan both didn’t want to go and didn’t want to face Adam Parrish again any time soon.

            He was trying very hard to think of reasons not to go to Kavinsky’s party later, but he had run out of convincing ones. He watched the clock instead, waiting for dark. Adam’s _I don’t…I’m sorry_ played on loop in his head and he was already three beers in when there was a heavy knock on the door late in the afternoon. Ronan did not answer. It continued for several minutes and then his phone rang.

            “Ronan,” a voice on the other side of the door yelled. “I can hear your phone. I know you’re in there!”

            Ronan glared at the door, but swung himself up from the couch anyway. He opened the door to a tall, grinning blonde man who was clutching an oversized brown bag in his arms. His bad mood improved slightly.

            “Noah,” Ronan said. “What the hell, man?”

            Noah craned his neck around Ronan’s shoulder and made a face.

            “Jesus, you guys have really let this place go to shit since I moved out,” he stated dramatically. Ronan thought this was probably in response to the miniature, waist-high replica of a Welsh mountain range that Gansey had constructed of newspaper on their living room floor last week. It could also have been because of Ronan’s leftovers strewn across the coffee table, but Ronan doubted it. Noah threw the bag of what Ronan now saw were fireworks on the floor next to the door and the bag ripped as he did it, spilling them out on the floor.

            “I thought you were dead,” Ronan said drily. He picked up one of the more ridiculous firework contraptions off the floor and admired it.

            “Grad school just makes you _want_ to die,” Noah said, flopping in the armchair and examining Ronan’s leftovers before taking a few bites of the cold lo mein. “It has very rarely led to actual deaths.”

            “Or it’s all a massive cover-up and it isn’t your turn to die yet,” Ronan said. He fiddling with the fuse on a box of questionable looking ammunition. Noah continued eating the lo mein but raised his chopsticks in agreement with Ronan. “What are you doing here?”

            Noah shrugged.

            “Gansey send you?” Ronan asked. Noah put down his chopsticks for a moment and then grabbed one of the other leftovers boxes to continue eating. He shrugged again.

            “I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to,” he said.

            Ronan harrumphed and pulled a lighter from his pocket to light one of the sparklers that he’d found. Noah laughed as it flashed brightly, popping with short-lived exuberance.

            “Besides, you’re my favorite person to blow shit up with,” Noah said, holding his hand out for a sparkler, which Ronan lit and handed to him. Noah waved it merrily as he continued to eat with his other hand.

            “Touching,” Ronan said. Noah grinned wolfishly at him. Ronan stamped on the small spark that had found its way to the carpet and extinguished it.

            After Noah had finished eating the last of Ronan’s leftovers, they took the fireworks out to the parking lot. It was empty except for the Pig, Ronan’s BMW and the cherry red Mustang that Noah drove. It was not dark by any stretch of the imagination when they started throwing poppers at each other, but it didn’t matter. It seemed as though most of town had debunked for the weekend and there was no one to catch them.

            Ronan lit the fuse on the first of the fireworks and watched it scream into the sky. Noah set a small fountain off, grinning at the rainbow of sparks that showered the pavement. They traded off until only a few boxes remained and the beer supply was dwindling. Noah flopped down onto the pavement and lay there, holding his phone up while he texted rapidly.

            “Are you giving daddy an update?” Ronan asked as he sat down next to Noah.

            “Nah,” Noah said. “Telling Blue to bring more beer. She just got off work.”

            “Good idea,” Ronan said, punching Noah lightly on the arm. He lay down next to the other boy. They waited for Blue. It took her a good thirty minutes to roll up on her bicycle. She ran the wheel lightly into Ronan’s leg before dismounting and laying the bike down.

            “Hey,” she said. Ronan reached a hand out for the six pack she held up and she handed it to him obligingly. Noah had leapt to his feet to hug her and she laughed at the impact of it. “It’s been _forever_ , Noah. I thought you’d died.”

            “Now you sound like Ronan.” Noah grinned and mussed Blue’s hair before petting it back down. “Great to see you.”

            “I see you two couldn’t wait for me to get off work,” Blue said as she surveyed the carcasses of several explosives that littered the parking lot. She nudged a still smoldering one gently with her foot and stamped it out. “Typical.”

            “We saved a few,” Noah insisted, sounding wounded. Ronan, still laying on the pavement, grunted in agreement.

            It was true dark by then, the last traces of the sun had disappeared behind the buildings and the streets were quiet. It made Ronan want to turn on some bass-pounding electronica that would be loud enough to rattle himself awake. It made Ronan long for the party he knew he was missing across town.

            _(“Ronan Lynch answers his phone at last,” Kavinsky crowed on the other side of the line._

_“What do you want?” Ronan asked._

_“Ronan, baby,” Kavinsky said. “You know what I want. I want to know if you’re coming to my party.”_

_“I would think that my deafening silence on the subject would have been answer enough, shitbag,” Ronan said._

_“Language, Lynch, language,” Kavinsky said. “You’re hurting my feelings.”_

_“Stop fucking calling me,” Ronan hissed._

_“Don’t make it ugly, Ronan,” Kavinsky said, his voice hardening. “Just come to the party.”_

_Ronan had hung up. Kavinsky did not call back.)_

            “What are you thinking about?” Blue’s whisper next to his ear startled Ronan so badly that he jumped, knocking his head against hers. “Ouch!”

            She rubbed her head with a rueful grimace and glared at him.

            “Serves you fucking right,” Ronan grumbled, nursing his own head. Noah sat fluidly beside him on the other side, one of the unexploded fireworks boxes in hand. He was taking it gently apart to search for the fuse. Ronan held out a hand for it and Noah gave it him. Ronan untangled the fuse expertly from the bottom of the box and handed it back to Noah who grinned in delight. He leapt back to his feet and bounded across the parking lot to set it up.

            “So?” Blue asked. Ronan ignored her, watching Noah struggle with the lighter instead. Blue sighed. She gently punched Ronan on the shoulder. “You can talk about it without self-destructing, you know.”

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sargent,” Ronan said. He gave her a dark look, but as usual, she was undeterred.

            “I drank two cups of coffee before I biked over so I’ll be up all night,” Blue said. She did not need to say the rest of it – _and_ _I’ll be making sure you don’t go anywhere except this stupid parking lot and the townhouse, too_. Ronan folded his hands together and sat forward, rocking on the pavement. A buzz of fire across the parking lot announced that Noah had successfully lit the fuse and it popped gleefully into the air above them, bursting into a shower of green and gold. Ronan craned his neck to watch the sparks fly.

            “Thanks, Sargent,” Ronan said, not looking at her. Before she could respond, he had stood and grabbed another of the fireworks. He jogged across the parking lot to set it up, lighting the fuse easily. Noah clapped as it exploded above them. Noah grabbed the last of the fireworks and handed it solemnly to Blue.

            “This one’s for you,” Noah announced. Blue took it with the appropriate amount of ceremony. Ronan handed her his lighter. She took it across the parking lot where the rest of the spent fireworks were and fiddled with it for a few moments before striking the fuse.  She backed away hastily, rejoining the boys just as it sent six successive blasts into the air, showering the night sky with golden bursts of sparks. Blue sighed in satisfaction and Ronan knocked his shoulder against her with a grin. She grinned back.

            They went upstairs to the townhouse, still littered with Gansey’s miniature mountains and Ronan’s leftover containers, now empty. Noah ordered pizzas, complaining that Blue hadn’t thought to bring any with her. Blue had huffed that she was not a delivery service and Ronan had barked a laugh. They settled in for a long night of video games, although Noah fell asleep shortly after devouring half a pizza.

            Ronan’s phone buzzed repeatedly in his pocket. A small shock would go through him every time. He knew it was Kavinsky, because it wouldn’t be anyone else. Gansey wouldn’t bother and Adam…Adam was avoiding Ronan. Ronan was trying not to think about that either, but he had accumulated too many things that he was Not Thinking About and it was starting to get muddled. It had been two days since the strange moment in the parking lot and Ronan had not seen Adam since. That would not have been so strange under normal circumstances, but it felt purposeful.

            Around one in the morning, Blue made herself another cup of coffee. She lay a blanket over Noah, who was snoozing upright in the armchair and then curled up next to Ronan on the sofa. She was frowning softly at him over the rim of her coffee mug and blowing on the coffee at the safe time.

            “What?” Ronan asked irritably. He put down the controller and stretched, yawning although he wasn’t in the mood to sleep anytime soon.

            “How did you meet Kavinsky?” she asked suddenly. Ronan felt like he had whiplash.

            “Jesus fuck, Blue,” he swore loudly and then with a glance towards Noah (still snoring), he said more quietly, “We are not talking about this.”

            “Ronan.” Blue nudged him with foot a little harder than necessary and he crossed his arms. “We’re talking about it.”

            “I mean, I know you guys dated, right? For like a year?” Blue prompted. Ronan stiffened all over.

            “Who the fuck told you that?” Ronan asked.

            “I inferred,” she said.

            “Well, you inferred wrong.”

            “Enlighten me, then,” she said, obviously proud of herself, and Ronan knew he’d been caught in something, although he wasn’t sure how. He made a general noise of disgruntlement and Blue raised a single eyebrow at him.

            “It wasn’t like that,” Ronan grumbled after a full minute of swallowing several other possible word choices. “We weren’t…it was just drugs and cars and shit. He got me through…everything.”

            _Everything_ was also a poor substitute for _finding my father in a pool of his own blood_ , but Ronan had still not found a substitute that was adequate to the job.

            “Why wasn’t it like that?” Blue asked quietly. It was a dangerous question and she knew it. Ronan felt stretched thin, pulled and twisted and ready to break. He closed his eyes against the sensation, leaning his head on the couch cushion behind him.

            It was a dangerous question because the answer was _it could have been like that_ or even _it could **be** like that_ and Ronan had never put words to why he wanted the opposite. Sometimes, he felt so close to it that it felt inevitable anyway, even now. Kavinsky was not shy in his affections, expressing it in a handful of pills or a shared bottle whiskey all while watching Ronan with those endless black eyes, smoldering and high. He remembered what he had said to Adam _, Joseph Kavinsky is nothing but a bad fucking dream, man._ It wasn’t quite true. Joseph Kavinsky was a creeping rot that had lodged in Ronan’s bones, so deep that the it might never be gone even after careful excavation.

            “He just…” Ronan said, trying to tie words together and coming up short. “He doesn’t matter. You know?”

            Blue smiled sympathetically and sighed a little. She scooted a little closer and patted Ronan’s hand gently.

            “Yeah, I do,” she said. She made herself comfortable next to him and then several minutes later with a slow-blooming grin, she whispered conspiratorially, “Does that mean Ronan Lynch is a virgin?”

            “Shut up, asshole.” Ronan shoved her hard and she let out a cackle so loud that it startled Noah awake.           

            “What’d I miss?” Noah asked, dopey with sleep. Blue threw a pillow at him.

            “Nothing,” she said. “You want some more pizza?”  
 

\--

 

           Adam's suit was a little too short. It was nothing that most people would notice, but in a crowd of well-dressed, bespoke suits, Adam felt as though everyone noticed and recognized his otherness because of it. He tugged uncomfortably at the pants leg as Gansey secured two flutes of champagne for them. He thought of what his father would say if he saw him dressed this way at a party like this and swatted the thought away. It was getting easier with time, but he still wasn’t an old hand at banishing thoughts of his father and his father’s fists. Sometimes, the thoughts came anyway, like a slow poison.

          "We can leave soon," Gansey assured him as he handed over the champagne. Adam nodded. He knew he must look a little sour, but it wasn’t because of the party. It was because of his own head, buzzing at him. His eyes swept the room again. He felt as though he had talked to a hundred different people and yet could remember nothing of what they talked about. He had half a dozen business cards in his pocket, edges already worn from his sweaty palms. 

          “Richardman!” A delighted voice boomed behind them. Adam and Gansey turned together to see Henry Cheng grinning at them. He had his arms spread wide in obvious joy. “Fancy seeing you here.”

          “Henry,” Gansey said. He allowed Henry to pump his hand enthusiastically. Adam stood awkwardly to the side, but Henry pulled him in with a handshake and gentle guiding hand on his arm, making sure he was included in the small circle.

         “Adam Parrish, it is truly wonderful to see you here,” Henry announced. Adam cringed a little, but tried to smile. He did not want Gansey to know how uncomfortable he had been all day at this party. “Gansey, did you know that I’ve been trying to get Parrish to join Student Senate for years?”

         Gansey laughed, a deep, true laugh and clapped Adam on the back.

         “Adam is too busy studying to involve himself in student politics, I’m sure,” Gansey said with a small glance at Adam to make sure that it was okay. Adam tipped his head in assent. “He’ll whip us all when rankings come out.”

         Henry let out a dramatic breath, looking pained. Then, he smiled again – the moment forgotten.  

         “I had no idea you two were friends,” Henry said. “I feel warmed by the very thought.”

         Gansey laughed again. Adam cracked a small smile himself.

         They left the party. Henry came with them and Adam found that he didn’t mind much. He had always found Henry to be an annoying presence at the fringes of his academic life, but he honestly couldn’t remember if they’d ever spoken about anything aside from student government. Adam thought if Henry just continued to not talk about student government, he could go on continuing to like him.

         The boys sprawled out in Gansey’s room, tucked away from the prying eyes of any guests, relaxed at last.  Even Gansey seemed exhausted after the day, which comforted Adam. Helen would not be available to fly them home until the next morning, because she had party duties to attend to which mostly seemed to be telling other people what to do. This meant that Adam would be bunking with Gansey that night. There was an air mattress already neatly made up for him on the floor. Adam thought it that it looked much softer and more comfortable than his real bed back in his apartment.

         Gansey and Henry were having a very passionate discussion about bees. Adam did not think he had an opinion about bees, so instead he lay on the air mattress, letting his eyes drift close. He let himself think about Ronan Lynch. He had wanted to think about him all day, but he had needed to focus on shaking hands and smiling until his face hurt, so he had pushed it away, but now…

            Adam could not figure out how he felt about Ronan. One moment Adam would be sure that they were just friends, but then there would be a look or a moment that felt just sideways enough to send him spinning. He was sure that friends raced carts in parking lots together. He was not sure that they stared deeply into each other’s eyes afterwards. He was sure that friends shared food. He was not sure that friends purposely over-ordered the exact thing that he had wanted to order but couldn’t afford. Adam did yet not have a name for this _something more_ that Ronan was, but he was beginning to think the right word might be ‘crush’.

            Was it pure ego to believe that someone like Ronan Lynch might have a crush on someone like Adam Parrish? Yes, Adam answered himself, but also no. He didn’t think he was wrong, even if it was a boon to his pride. He just didn’t know what he was going to do about it. The other night in the parking lot there had been a _moment_ , the kind that sent him spinning, but Adam had been so taken aback by the suddenness of it that he had fucked it up. Ronan had acted as though it had never happened, kicking carts and baring his teeth for the rest of the night, which seemed par for the course as far as Adam knew. If Gansey had noticed, he hadn’t said anything about it.

            There was a knock on the door. Gansey and Henry immediately broke off their discussion as Gansey went to answer it. Adam sat up hastily on the air mattress, struggling to get upright. It was Helen.

            “Dick, one of the Lynch brothers is downstairs wanting to talk to you,” Helen said and Adam’s heart clenched in his chest at her words. Her eyes were sweeping the room behind him and Adam smoothed his hair down self-consciously. She smiled at him and gave him a small wink. Adam flushed.

            “Ronan?” Adam asked, although he was not a part of the conversation.

            Helen shook her head and waved a hand.

            “No, the older one. What’s his name? Square jaw, sharp dresser.” She looked to Gansey for a name. His face was carefully neutral and Adam wondered what that meant.

            “Declan,” Gansey supplied. Helen snapped her fingers and smiled. _Declan_. Adam searched his mind for when he had heard the name before. He remembered Ronan, melancholy and drunk, on his porch two weeks ago. “I’ll be right down.”

            Helen waved goodbye and her heels clicked rapidly down the hall. Gansey pulled on his suit coat again which he had laid carefully against the back of his desk chair. He smoothed down his own shirt and looked almost picture perfect again, a little rumpled from the late hour.

            “I’ll be right back,” Gansey said and let himself out of the room. He looked troubled. Adam wanted to go with him, but did not say so. It wasn’t his place, no matter how badly he wanted to meet Ronan’s brother, to know what he was like and to see how Ronan’s feature’s might be re-arranged into a someone who had a straight jaw and dressed sharply.

            “So, Adam,” Henry said after letting the silence drop between them. “Tell me what’s got you cranking your wheels tonight, man.”

            “I’m sorry?” Adam asked. He tilted his head a bit, letting his right ear turn toward Henry. He wasn’t sure if he had misheard or if the words were just oddly chosen.

            “Cranking your wheels – what’s got you thinking so hard?” Henry said. Adam nodded, showing that he had heard this time.

            Adam did not particularly feel like sharing, especially not with Henry Cheng.

            “Girlfriend problems?” Henry asked. He had slid off the chair he was sitting in to the floor next to Adam’s mattress. Adam shook his head, feeling his ears grow hot. It wasn’t that he’d never had girlfriends, he’d had several. In fact, he was fairly sure that Henry knew that he had dated Katie Barrow in their freshman year. Henry was still playing with his phone and when he looked up, he shot Adam a devious look.  

            “Boyfriend problems?” Adam did not miss the sly tone in Henry’s voice as he said it. He felt his face blush and he brought a hand up to his cheeks to shield it. He counted to ten and willed the blush away. Henry said, “No need to be ashamed. We’ve all been there.”

            “Have we?” Adam said. His own voice was a little strangled and his old Virginia accent drew the _haaaave_ out unnecessarily.

            Henry nodded, his lips curved downwards although Adam had the distinct impression that he was still smiling. Henry put his phone down.

            “With all the multitudes in the world,” Henry said. “It would be a shame to limit yourself to only one possibility.”

            “So you’re bisexual?”  Adam asked. It was the first time he’d ever said the word out loud. It was a word he had been turning over in his mind ever since he had met Ronan Lynch. It was a word full of possibilities. It was both a relief and a terror to say it out loud.

            “No,” Henry said and he wagged a finger at Adam. “I’m Henry-sexual.”

            “What does that mean?” Adam asked. His heart was thudding in his chest so loudly he could feel it in his ears. Henry shrugged, flipping his phone around and around with his fingers.

            “Whatever it needs to,” Henry said finally with a smile. It was a smile that reminded Adam of Gansey in its winning and genial nature. Adam considered Henry for a moment before speaking again.

            “I’m not ashamed,” he said. “It’s just…new.”

            “It’ll work itself out,” Henry promised. “Until then – my lips are sealed.” He made an exaggerated show of zipping them shut and Adam let a small half-smile loose.

“Between you and me though,” Henry said, so quietly that Adam had trouble hearing him. “Cheng 2 will be thrilled.”

            Adam blushed again.

 

\--

 

            It was nearly midday when they made it back to Gansey’s townhouse. The taxi that they had taken from the helipad had been quiet. Adam was anxious at the thought of possibly seeing Ronan again. Gansey had been pensive since he had come back from his talk with Declan Lynch the night before. Adam did not know what they had talked about, but whatever it had been, it had put Gansey in a bad mood.

            “Do you want to grab lunch before I take you home?” Gansey offered. “I bet they have leftovers upstairs.”

            Adam did. When they got upstairs, it was quiet. There was a tall, tow-headed man sprawled in the armchair, limbs flung in every direction, snoring. Adam did not recognize him. Gansey poked him awake in such a familiar way that Adam knew he was no stranger. Adam walked around the other side of the couch to see Ronan Lynch, hoodie pulled over his face, asleep with the small form of Blue Sargent folded into his side. They were both out cold and Adam was positive that Blue was drooling on Ronan’s sweatshirt a little bit. His heart twisted a bit at the familiarity between them, although he knew it was nothing but friendship.

            Gansey was talking quietly with the blonde stranger.

            “Nah, man,” the other man was saying. “He didn’t try anything. We made sure.”

            Adam knew they were talking about Ronan, although the words didn’t quite make sense. What would Ronan have tried? Adam knew, in the way that you sometimes knew things about other students on campus that you’d never really met, that Ronan had run with a rough crowd in their underclassmen days. The kind of crowd that was known for cocaine and street racing. Adam was not sure how to reconcile it with the Ronan that he had been getting to know, so it remained a kind of abstract knowledge of the boy’s past. It was something that the others only talked about in hushed whispers and never to Adam. Adam was not yet initiated into the Ronan Lynch Caretakers Club, although he was ready to admit to himself that he might want to be one day.

            Gansey shook Blue gently awake and she smiled at him when her eyes fluttered open. She looked at Ronan next to her and carefully extricated herself from the couch. She put a finger to her lips and everyone agreed silently not to wake him. She yawned and stretched as Adam, Gansey and the blonde man followed her into the kitchen where she immediately started making coffee.

            Gansey introduced the stranger as Noah Czerny and Adam shook his hand. He learned several things very rapidly about Noah from Blue and Gansey. He had been the original inhabitant of this townhouse and had passed it on to Gansey and Ronan when he’d graduated two years previous. He was getting a Master’s degree that required so much of his time that he never visited anyone. He was very good friends with Ronan Lynch. Adam told himself he was not jealous of this last fact, but he felt it curl in his stomach nevertheless as Noah recounted the last night’s activities to Gansey who nodded appreciatively like a parent who was getting a report from their child’s teacher.

            They ate the leftover pizza that had been stowed in the fridge together and eventually forgot to be quiet. Ronan joined them, hood still pulled over his face. Blue handed him a cup of coffee without comment. Adam watched him from the corner of his eye, darting his glance somewhere else when Ronan looked in his direction.

            “You have a good night?” Adam asked Ronan directly as soon as he had found his voice. Ronan grunted and raised his mug towards Adam in a kind of salute. If Ronan was mad at him, he didn’t show it. He was angrily presiding over his coffee cup, but that did not seem unusual. Even though Adam had only known him for a short while, he had learned quickly that Ronan was nearly useless for an hour after waking up, even if it was almost noon when he did so.

            They finished the rest of the pizza and then also ate several bags of chips that had been in the pantry before Gansey asked Adam if he was ready to go.

            “Oh, wait! Before you go!” Blue said, holding up a hand to Adam. She disappeared briefly, coming back with the huge bag that seemed to serve as her purse. She was rooting around it for several seconds before finally pulling out a small parcel. “Here!” she said triumphantly and handed the parcel to Adam. Blue looked suddenly awkward and cast a look around the room at the other boys who were watching the whole exchange with curiosity. “I know you probably didn’t want a big fuss, since you didn’t tell us, but Marnie checked your I.D. the other night and she told me that your birthday was on the third.”

            Adam was completely speechless. His hands sagged a bit in the air where they clutched the carefully wrapped parcel. It was brown paper from a grocery bag but Blue had doodled festive trees onto it. He saw now that he looked closely at the package that she had also written in loopy, faded red crayon, “Happy Birthday, Adam!” He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten a real birthday gift from someone.

            “What the hell, Parrish?” Ronan said and he sounded a bit angry. It was the first full sentence that he had strung together that morning.  “You didn’t tell us it was your birthday?”

            “Adam, we could have done something. We didn’t have to go to the fundraiser,” Gansey said and he was so earnest that Adam felt bad. He had been so used to letting his birthday go every year that it had not seemed like something that needed to be shared. He hadn’t expected it to hurt anyone. He looked at Ronan, who looked entirely too put out about the whole thing and then back to Blue. She pursed her lips.

            “He obviously didn’t want a fuss, so get over yourselves,” Blue snapped at them. Adam was immensely grateful to her because he did not have the words just then to say how he felt.  She smiled at him again and then tapped the parcel that was still in his hands. “Open it.”

            He did.

            It was a t-shirt, but the kind of soft and comfortable kind that Adam would not have bought for himself. He never spent more money on clothes than strictly necessary, which usually meant buying white crew cuts in three-packs. This shirt was cherry red with a faded Coca-Cola logo on it. He liked it instantly.

            “Thanks,” he said and smiled at Blue to let her know that he really meant it. She beamed back at him and then, surprising him, launched herself into a hug. He caught her with surprise and let her squeeze him before letting her go. Adam caught Ronan’s eye as he did and he felt a small thrill at the look of complete, naked jealousy on Ronan’s face because he recognized it in himself from earlier.   
    

            --

 

            The next day, on his way out the door to his internship, Adam almost tripped over the delicately potted panda plant on his doorstep. He looked around, but the lot outside was quiet and empty. There was a small card tucked into the soil and Adam pulled it out carefully.

            _Happy birthday_ , it said. It was not signed. Adam knew who it was from anyway.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts, feelings, other reactions? i love all of them. please share.


	4. Part Four

            Summer was slipping away from Adam. His days were filled with long hours at the firm and then sometimes between grading papers and sleeping, he saw his friends. Adam had never really had many close friends before, so he was still getting used to fitting them in, but Gansey and the others did not seem to mind his tired company. He was immeasurably glad for it.

            Part of his new routine was waiting for him when he got home on Friday: a shiny, slate grey BMW pulled into the parking spot directly in front of his apartment door. The driver of the BMW was sitting on the hood of the car, looking for all the world as though he was about to rob someone. He watched Adam as he parked nearby and jumped off the hood of the car without a word as Adam walked up. Adam unlocked his front door and Ronan followed him inside as he put his messenger bag away and grabbed a change of clothes. Ronan installed himself on the small couch, looking bored while Adam went to change.

            The first time Ronan had showed up for him on a Friday night had been the weekend after Adam’s birthday. He had gruffly announced that Gansey wanted to have group dinner, so he’d come to get Adam. Adam had not pointed out the fact that he could have easily driven himself to Nino’s or the townhouse because it seemed irrelevant at the time. The next week, when Ronan had been waiting for him again, he felt a small thrill at the sight of the BMW. By the third week, the group dinners preceded by a ride with Ronan felt like a ritual.

            So, that week, when Ronan casually announced that Blue and Gansey had decided to take a trip up to Maine to see Noah for the weekend, Adam felt off-kilter.

            “Oh,” Adam said. “I didn’t realize. You could have texted.”

            This was because Ronan and Adam never hung out alone together, with the exception of the short car rides to and from the townhouse. The first and only time they had ever hung out had been on Adam’s porch all the way back in June and it had been a disaster.

            Ronan made a noncommittal noise from the couch. He was flipping his keys around his finger and they made a rhythmic clank with every rotation. Ronan seemed to have no plans to do anything other than this as far as Adam could tell.

            “Did you still want to get dinner?” Adam asked finally.

            Ronan’s keys stopped mid-air. He shrugged, which Adam took for a yes.

            They ended up at Nino’s, tucked into a back booth across from each other. Adam was too tired to try to make conversation and Ronan didn’t seem to care so they ate in comfortable silence instead. Adam could feel Ronan’s heavy gaze on him from time to time, but when he looked up, the other boy was always looking away. It had been like this ever since his birthday too. Adam did not know how to break the stalemate and Ronan, ever since that moment in the parking lot, had thrown space between them whenever possible. Except for the Friday night car rides to and from dinner, Adam reminded himself. They were an unnecessary extravagance that Adam refused to point out.

            “My internship ends next week,” Adam said eventually. They had finished eating several minutes ago, but neither of them had made a move to leave. It was the first thing Adam had said since they got to Nino’s. Ronan’s face across the table from him was unreadable.

            “Two whole weeks of freedom,” Ronan said. He had been pouring out half a salt shaker onto his empty plate, but put it down when Adam had spoken.  

            “Yeah,” Adam sighed. It had been one of the only perks of taking the internship that it ended two weeks before the new semester began in late August. It would give Adam some much needed time to catch up on sleep before senior year began.

            “Are you going home?” Ronan asked. He wasn’t looking at Adam when he asked it, but instead down at the leather bands on his wrist which he worried his fingers. Adam watched him turn them around for several beats before answering.

            “No.” His voice was more blistering than he’d intended and Ronan’s blue eyes flicked up at him, holding his gaze. Because he knew Ronan would both want to know, but would not ask, Adam continued. “My home isn’t really a place anyone wants to go back to after they’ve left it.”

            Ronan absorbed this. His lips drew together thinly and he tilted his head as though Adam had just told him something far more interesting.

            “Why?” Ronan asked. Adam recognized the look on Ronan’s face and remembered suddenly the way that Ronan had spoken of his own home as if it were the only thing he wanted in life. He sighed, because it was impossible to explain to someone like Ronan that some homes were made for leaving, not staying, not returning.

            Adam had just opened his mouth to say so, when two hands slammed down on the table, interrupting him.

            “Ronan Lynch,” the owner of the two hands enunciated loudly. Adam looked up to see a gaunt boy about their age hovering over the table. He had a dirty white ball cap on backwards with sunglasses perched on top, although it was well after dark. He was aiming a slightly manic smile at Ronan. Adam took an immediate dislike to him.

Ronan glowered at him, which only made the stranger smile more broadly.

            “What part of leave me the fuck alone didn’t compute?” Ronan said and his voice had a hard, dangerous edge to it. He looked as though he might take a swing at the newcomer at any moment. The stranger seemed completely unperturbed, laughing in an unsettling, loud way that made Adam’s skin crawl. He sat next to Adam without invitation and Adam moved over to make room for him reluctantly. Ronan was glaring daggers at him, fists clenched on the table.

            “Kavinsky,” Ronan growled in warning. Adam started a bit at the name, rapidly re-arranging several pieces of information in his head to make sense of the moment. Kavinsky, obviously seeing his reaction, smiled and swung an arm around the back of the booth where they sat.

            “This one’s cute, Lynch,” Kavinsky said, shaking Adam’s shoulder from behind. Adam frowned and shrugged the hand away.

            “Don’t touch me,” Adam told him icily.

            “Woah, pretty boy, relax,” Kavinsky said, laughing again. Up close, Adam could see that his eyes were wide and black from some sort of high. He didn’t smell of marijuana, so Adam was guessing he had probably done a few lines not that long ago. “I’m just being friendly.”

            “Go be friendly somewhere else before I smash your face in,” Ronan said. Ronan stood suddenly from the table and towered over them. Adam was glad that his baleful stare was directed at the boy next to him and not himself. He had never really been scared of Ronan, but in that moment, he could see that the aura of danger was no façade. Ronan was ready to beat Kavinsky into a bloody pulp. Adam wasn’t sure that he would stop him if he tried.  Kavinsky and several other customers in the vicinity seemed to realize this as well. A waitress took a few steps towards them, clearly with thoughts of asking them to leave, but then taking another look at Ronan, thought better of it. Kavinsky sprawled a little wider in the seat next to Adam, meeting Ronan’s glare with a smirk.

            “Lynch, I see that your attitude problem has not improved with age,” Kavinsky said. Kavinsky’s hand wagged a finger at Ronan. “You should really see someone about that.”

            Ronan did not respond, but instead hauled Kavinsky up by a handful of his t-shirt so the boy was forcibly removed from his seat and almost dangling in the air. Ronan held him there for a long moment and Adam realized how small Kavinsky was. Ronan had at least a foot on him and looked as though he might just snap the other boy in half. Adam scrambled out of the bench while he had the chance and did not miss the brief, searching look Ronan sent his way. Adam shook his head and Ronan pushed Kavinsky away.

            Kavinsky brushed himself off, looking no more put out than if Ronan had gently lifted him to his feet. His eyes still glowed with a manic energy that Adam attributed to the cocaine. Ronan was nearly vibrating with his anger and Adam moved a little closer to him, just in case he needed to pull him off of Kavinsky. No matter how big an asshole Kavinsky was, he wasn’t worth getting arrested over. Adam was keenly aware of the waitress from earlier who was watching them with hawkish eyes and wondered if she had already called the police.

            “Ronan,” Adam said and Ronan slowly flicked his eyes over to Adam. The anger that swirled in them was unsettling and Adam was again glad it wasn’t for him. “Let’s go.”

            Kavinsky smiled broadly, as if this was the funniest thing that had happened yet. He tilted his head towards Adam, clearly provoking Ronan. Adam stepped forward and grabbed Ronan’s arm, ready to haul him out of Nino’s himself if that’s what it took even if Ronan had at least 30 pounds and several inches on him. Ronan ripped his arm from Adam’s grip, but stormed out of the restaurant. Adam followed, chased from the restaurant by the disapproving waitress and Kavinsky’s laugh.

            Ronan had already ripped open the door to the BMW by the time Adam reached the parking lot, but he was folded over the top, watching the door of Nino’s. Adam met his eyes again and realized he had been watching to make sure Adam came out alone because the moment he saw Adam appear, he threw himself into the car and slammed the door shut. Adam opened the passenger side more carefully, but got in quickly.

            They had only gone two blocks when the growl of an engine announced a white Mitsubishi pulling up beside the BMW. Ronan swore under his breath and cut the pulsing electronica off before rolling down his window. The Mitsubishi growled again beside them and the window slowly rolled down to reveal Kavinsky leaning across the gearshift inside.

            “What do you say, babe? For old time’s sake?” Kavinsky asked. Adam kept his eyes on Ronan whose hand gripped the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were ghost white in the glow of the dashboard.

            “Don’t call me babe,” Ronan said. The Mitsubishi revved beside them. Ronan let go of the steering wheel and cut off the aircon. Adam realized a beat later what that meant. “If I win, you never talk to me again.”

            Kavinsky grinned.

            “And if I win?” Kavinsky asked. The green light glowed above them, casting a strange pall on both drivers. Adam felt his stomach twist, but said nothing. The set of Ronan’s jaw and the way his hand gripped the gear shift were enough to warn him off.

            “You won’t,” Ronan said, sounding calmer than he had been all night. His body had gone still next to Adam as he focused on the now yellow light. Kavinsky howled in laughter as he rolled up the window. The light turned red.

            For a breathless second, it was completely quiet in the BMW and all Adam could feel was the pulse of the waiting engine under their feet. He watched, detached, as Ronan’s hand gripped the gear shift in anticipation and the moment felt surreal. Then, the light turned green and the world exploded in a fury of sound and motion. The Mitsubishi leapt ahead of the BMW almost immediately, but Ronan pulled even with the white car and then with a gritted swear, he shifted the car into fourth gear and shot ahead of the Mitsubishi with a graceful leap. Adam felt as though they were flying. He was sure that his own face mirrored the fierce grin on Ronan’s face.

             The Mitsubishi never caught them and Ronan kept driving, not slowing until they were well past the city limits. Adam was amazed that no cop had pulled them over when Ronan finally braked and fishtailed the car around to head back to town. He still had a smile on his face when he did it and Adam wished it wasn’t the first time that he had seen such joy on the other boy’s face. It was nice. It was better than nice. It made Adam smile too.

            Ronan turned the radio back on and filled the car with his bruising electronica and Adam did not complain. He leaned against the window instead, feeling the pulse of music and closing his eyes to the sensation. He thought maybe he was starting to understand why Ronan liked it so much. It was easy to get lost in. When they reached Adam’s apartment, Adam did not immediately get out of the car. Ronan watched him openly and Adam waited for him to say something, but when he did, it wasn’t what Adam expected.

            “Don’t tell Gansey,” Ronan said. His brow had knitted together and the smile from earlier was gone. Adam tried not to miss the smile, but remembered it in careful detail for later.

            “I wasn’t planning it,” he said.  Adam opened his door and got out, waving behind his head to Ronan as he unlocked his door. He heard the BMW peel out of the parking lot behind him and focused on returning his beating heart to normal.

 

\--

 

 

            Whatever edge Adam had been skirting before that night, he felt as though he had fallen over it. Ronan crowded his head, making it hard to get through the last week of his internship. He kept remembering the free, fierce smile that Ronan had had while driving. He felt unmoored.

            When he drove home on Friday and saw the BMW parked in front of his apartment, he had to take a moment to gather himself before he got out of the car. Ronan had one door open and his legs swung onto the pavement, but was still sitting inside the car. He didn’t get up when Adam walked by to go inside, but Adam felt his eyes on him the whole time. He quickly pulled on a clean t-shirt and went back outside, locking his door and climbing in the car. As soon as was inside, Ronan closed his own door and fished his phone out of the console. He threw it in Adam’s lap.

            “Put your number in that,” Ronan said. Adam looked at the phone in question. It was new, which seemed to go against everything that he knew about Ronan Lynch and his tortured relationship with his phone.

            “You already have my number,” Adam said stupidly.

            Ronan looked at him impatiently and started the car.

            “New phone, new number,” Ronan said as if that explained everything.

            “Why?” Adam asked.

             Ronan gave him a look. Adam returned it.

             Adam finally gave up after several moments of staring and lowered his head to the phone. He texted himself from it and Ronan nodded when he heard Adam’s phone buzz with the text. Adam pressed his lips together because he felt both annoyed and stupidly satisfied that Ronan would make sure to get his number for a new phone. Not that Ronan had ever once called or texted with his old one.

             “You know you could have just asked them to transfer your contacts over,” Adam said after a moment.

             Ronan sighed as though the conversation were boring him. Adam smirked, but turned to the window so Ronan couldn’t see his expression.

             “I didn’t want all of my contacts,” Ronan said finally. Adam’s mind flashed unbidden to Kavinsky and he frowned. He remembered Ronan’s phone buzzing with constant texts and Gansey’s whispered _I know Kavinsky’s been calling again_. He wondered if Kavinsky knew how much Ronan hated his phone or if he just didn’t care. He wondered if Kavinsky had not honored their bet, but he did not ask.

            “That’s fair,” Adam said slowly. He studied the phone in his lap and felt a small twinge of jealousy. It was sleek and beautiful. It had probably cost several hundred dollars and Ronan could care less about it. Adam would never have such a nice phone. He had a second-hand Samsung that was hard to text on – generations behind the sleek iPhone in his lap. He suddenly wanted to change the subject very badly.

            Ronan seemed to sense the shift in atmosphere with a single glance in Adam’s direction.

            “Today your last day?” he asked.

            “Yeah,” Adam said with a sigh. He relaxed back into the seat and closed his eyes against the sudden rush of tiredness. The internship had been an exhausting trial of patience for him all summer. He had been nothing more than a gopher for the law firm staff and it had been as mind-numbing as it was necessary. He knew that it would help him find the next internship and then a job, but it was hard to remember that when he was buried in papers that needed to be filed.

            “What will you do without a bunch of corporate fucks to boss you around every day?” Ronan asked. He had a smile on his face that was dangerous in the way it curled across his face. Adam forcibly took his eyes away from it, but did not stop the small smiled that broke onto his own face.

            “Sleep,” Adam said finally. A deep, rumbling laugh came out of Ronan and Adam laughed with him.

 

\--

 

            Ronan was ignoring the text message that had buzzed into his phone a few minutes ago. It was short enough that he could read its entirety on the lock screen with the name ‘Adam Parrish’ in neat typeface above it, but his eyes refused to process exactly what was happening.

           

_Do you want to hang tonight?_

 

            It was an innocent enough question, Ronan tried to tell himself. Adam Parrish was allowed to ask his friend to hang out. Ronan tried very hard to remember that he was Adam’s friend and nothing more. It was getting harder. He tried to remember that night when Adam had said he _couldn’t_ , but that memory was buried under a hundred others by now of Adam smiling at his jokes or brushing up again him unnecessarily. Ronan wanted so badly to ask, but it seemed an impossible task. He read the text again.

 

_Do you want to hang tonight?_

 

            He didn’t answer the text, but he headed over to Adam’s apartment around six when it was clear that Gansey and Blue were not expecting him. Ronan did not mention where he was going. If Adam hadn’t invited Gansey, then he certainly wasn’t going to. He grabbed a six-pack on his way there and knocked on Adam’s door with it in hand. Adam opened the door as if he had been expecting him the whole time.

            “How’s the sleeping going?” Ronan asked in greeting, kicking the door shut behind him as Adam took the beer and put in the fridge.

            Adam shrugged and ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair. It was mussed and soft as if he’d been napping all day.

            “Boring,” Adam said. He handed an already cold beer to Ronan who popped it open and took a long swig. Adam didn’t grab one for himself, but led the way out the porch where he lowered himself into one of the lawn chairs with a sigh. He looked over his shoulder to where Ronan still stood in the patio door. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

            Ronan shrugged. He didn’t much care what they did. He took the empty chair next to Adam and Adam let it go.

            They sat on the porch in companionable silence. Ronan noticed the small plant he’d gifted Adam on one of the shelves, almost perfectly eye level when he sat in the lawn chair, but he did not comment on it. He felt a traitorous spark of hope in his chest and drank his beer every time words bubbled into his throat.

            “My dad used to beat the shit out of me,” Adam said after a long time. The words were so out of context that Ronan must have looked as taken-aback as he felt. Adam visibly re-grouped and continued, “You asked me why I didn’t want to go home last week before the whole Kavinsky shit. That’s why.”

            Ronan swallowed, feeling his throat bob, and put his beer down to look more closely at Adam. He felt a complicated mix of anger and something else at the confession. Adam was steadfastly not looking at him, staring instead at the plants around them.

            “Is that why…” Ronan gestured vaguely to his left ear, unsure how to say it properly. Adam got his meaning and nodded. Ronan felt an unmistakable flare of anger in his chest. “Jesus Christ, Parrish.”

            Adam smiled grimly.

            “Is he alive? Because I can fix that,” Ronan said lowly. He was trying to picture what Adam’s father might look like, but could only think of Adam, hurt so badly that he had lost hearing in one ear. His hands curled into fists, his nails pressing indents into the skin.

            “It’s not important anymore,” Adam sighed.

            Ronan disagreed. Adam clearly saw it on his face and waved his hand in a small dismissal.

            “It’s over,” Adam said in explanation. “I’m here and not going back.”

            Ronan swore under his breath and killed his beer before rising to get another. He grabbed one for Adam as well. Adam didn’t open it, but left it at his feet. Ronan took several long pulls from his until he felt the edges of his rage smooth into something more manageable. He felt as though he had just been handed the key to several of Adam Parrish’s puzzles, but he didn’t feel any better about it.

            “Sorry,” Adam said and impossibly, he looked aggrieved. “I thought you should know if…”

            The possibility of that sentence hung between them for a long moment. Ronan felt frozen in his seat as he watched Adam fidget with his hands across from him.

            “If?” Ronan asked finally and Adam looked up at him with endless blue eyes. He blinked slowly at Ronan like he had forgotten what he had been saying. Ronan felt his chest twist painfully, his heart beating a painfully staccato that was loud in his ears.

            When Adam leaned over and kissed him, Ronan felt as though the moment were in slow motion. Adam’s lips were soft and full against his mouth and it took Ronan a long time to react to the soft pressure of the boy’s mouth against his. When he finally kicked himself into a reaction, he brought a shaking hand up to cup Adam’s neck and pull him closer. Ronan felt as if he could drown in the moment and when Adam pulled away, he did not open for his eyes, committing the feeling to memory just in case it never happened again.

            Adam cleared his throat softly and Ronan ‘s eyelids peeled open reluctantly to meet the other boy’s eyes. Adam’s face was still very close and Ronan did not move his hand from Adam’s neck, although he thought distantly that maybe he should. Adam was looking at him with a complicated expression that Ronan was not sure he understood.

            “I can’t stop thinking about you,” Adam said finally in a low, tired voice and it was almost accusatory. Ronan’s mouth quirked. His fingers twisted in the fringe of Adam’s hair before pulling the other boy closer. He felt a strange, buoyant euphoria at the words.

            “The feeling’s mutual, asshole,” Ronan said before kissing him again. Ronan was careful to keep the kiss light, so Adam could easily pull away, but Adam reached up with both hands and pulled on Ronan’s face roughly to press his mouth eagerly against Ronan’s. They kissed until Ronan had to pull away for air, panting slightly and feeling flushed and warm. He realized dimly that his side was sore from the odd angle that he had been pressed into the chair and he collapsed back into the chair. He could feel the stupid grin on his face, but did nothing to counter it. He let his head fall into his hand as he looked over to Adam. Adam was looking back at him, his pale, freckled skin as flushed as Ronan’s.

            “That was nice,” Adam said with a smirk that Ronan hated. Ronan almost choked on the laugh that jumped into his throat.

            “Asshole,” Ronan said. Adam laughed too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit me up in the comments. i feed off your approval. ;) ;)


	5. Part Five

            In the end, it was Blue who found them out. It had been three weeks since their first kiss and the time in between had been filled with stolen moments and secret smiles. It wasn’t that they were going to keep it a secret forever, it was just that they had not yet defined what _it_ was beyond the desperate crush of mouths and hands sliding across skin. It was still Adam being fascinated by the detailed line work of Ronan’s tattoo and it was Ronan being fascinated by Adam’s hands. It was both of them being shy about going any further because Adam had only ever been with women and Ronan had never been with anyone at all. It was also whispered conversations about fathers and brothers and home and a million other small things that added up to big things.

            Truth be told, Adam was not quite sure he wanted to define it yet. He was afraid that the act of speaking it out loud would steal some of the magic away from them. Ronan kept his reasons to himself, but would touch Adam so gently that Adam suspected he felt the same.

            It was the first Saturday after classes had resumed for the fall when Blue caught them. She came over to Adam’s apartment early that morning and Adam, hazy with sleep, had answered the door without thinking of the still sleeping form of Ronan Lynch behind him. In his small studio apartment, one could see everything from the vantage of the door and it was too late to hide even though he realized his mistake the moment he opened the door.

            Blue’s eyes had widened, first in shock and then in pure glee. Adam pushed her out of the door with a motion to be quiet and closed the door quickly behind him. Blue barely waited for the door to click shut before she whispered loudly, “Oh my god, Adam!”

            Adam sighed and ran a hand through his hair nervously. Blue punched him on the arm and he rubbed the spot absently, trying to wake his brain up. The moment had so blindsided him that he couldn’t think of anything to say.

            “How long has this been going on?” Blue demanded. “Is this where Ronan has been disappearing to for the past week?”

            Blue seemed to take Adam’s blank stare as confirmation and grasped both of Adam’s arms, shaking him a little.

            “Adam,” she said, a little more seriously. “Talk to me.”

            “I…” Adam started, but words were still hard to grasp from his fuzzy thoughts. “What are you doing here?” he asked instead.

            “Oh,” Blue said. “I wanted to see if I could borrow that book we were talking about the other day. And then I was going to ask if you wanted to grab lunch with Gansey and me later.”

            She waved her hand as if it were inconsequential. Her eyes flicked to the closed door and she fixed a new, more thoughtful stare on Adam.

            “Why the secrecy?” she asked. Adam felt a rush of guilt at the particular tilt of her head as she studied him, eyes squinting in the morning sunlight.

            “It’s not…” Adam stopped, frustrated. He could feel the line between claiming his privacy and rudeness, but he wasn’t sure how close he was. He swallowed hard and shoving his hands in the pockets of his loose sweatpants, he chose his next words carefully. “We’re still figuring everything out. It’s new. We weren’t purposely not telling anyone.”

            Blue’s lips pursed and she looked as though she were about to say something contrarian, but then her eyes flicked back to the door and her expression softened.

            “Well, when you do figure it out, make sure you tell Gansey,” Blue said. “He’s shaved years off of his life already worrying about that asshole and it’ll do him some good to know someone else is out there taking care of Ronan for him.”

            The words were deadly in their effectiveness and despite Blue’s dry tone, Adam could hear her genuine concern. He leaned against his closed door and let himself slump against it with a soft sigh. The phrase _taking care of Ronan_ burrowed in an empty space in his chest and Adam tucked the feeling it gave him away for later inspection.

            “For what it’s worth,” Blue said, gentler this time. “I think you’ll be really good with Ronan.”

            Blue left him with that, grabbing her bike where she had leaned it against the wall and pedaling away. It was several minutes before Adam stirred himself from his position at the door and went back inside. Ronan was still sleeping, oblivious. He had only spent the night a few times before, but Adam was learning that Ronan had two sleeping modes: insomniac or dead to the world. He sat back on the bed and pushed Ronan over from where he had rolled into the middle of the bed to make a space for himself. He was too wired to go back to sleep after Blue’s visit, but he laid down and closed his eyes anyways.

            When he next stirred himself, it was almost mid-morning and the sunlight was fierce through the window. He popped his neck and yawned. When he looked over to Ronan, Ronan was looking back at him, blue eyes hooded with sleep, but awake.      Adam reached out and traced the curve of Ronan’s bicep. After a moment, Ronan caught his hand and kissed his knuckles before collapsing into the pillow, Adam’s hand held to his chest.

            “Blue came by this morning,” Adam said, not wanting to delay the inevitable. Ronan frowned but didn’t respond except to gently play with Adam’s fingers, interlacing and turning them in his own. “Ronan,” Adam said after a moment too long of silence.

            Ronan’s eyes caught Adam’s and Adam sighed, shifting closer to him. He laid his chin on Ronan’s chest and Ronan’s other arm wrapped around him, under his neck.

            “What did she want?” Ronan asked. His voice was raspy from sleep and it stirred something in the pit of Adam’s stomach. He forced himself to remember the task at hand.

            “First, to borrow a book and then to know why you were sleeping in my bed,” Adam said.

            Ronan’s chest rumbled under Adam and he looked up to meet Ronan’s eyes. They were guarded in a way that Adam had not seen for a long time and it punched right through him. He untangled his hand from Ronan’s and flattened it on his chest, feeling Ronan’s slightly fast heartbeat thumping under his fingers. He felt his own heart race to match it and braced himself for the conversation he had been practicing all morning,

            “We have to talk about this eventually,” Adam said.

            “No, we don’t,” Ronan said. Ronan’s face was impossible to decipher as he rolled away from Adam and out of bed. He grabbed his shirt off the floor and pulled it on in one angry tug. He took his wallet and keys from the small card table and stuffed them in his pockets. Adam swung himself up to sit on the edge of the bed.

            “Ronan,” he said softly and the other boy froze. He had his back to Adam and one hand on his head, elbow slanted up at the ceiling. Adam wanted to get up and go to him, but kept himself on the bed, fists in the sheets. He ran through several of the scenarios he had dreamt up this morning while Ronan slept and finally, with another look at the tension in Ronan’s back, he said carefully, “I know that you don’t want this to be casual. I don’t either.”

            Ronan slowly unfroze himself. His hand drifted back down to his side and his shoulders twitched a few times as Ronan rolled them back. Finally, he turned to face Adam again with an impossible expression on his face. Adam flexed his hands, letting go of the sheets, and then folded them together, letting them fall between his legs. Ronan watched silently, transfixed by his hands.

            “Say something,” Adam said after the silence became unbearable. He saw Ronan’s throat bob as he swallowed and opened his mouth, but he still said nothing. Adam rose to his feet and closed the gap between them to stand in front him. “Ronan.”

            Ronan did not say anything, but simply leaned forward and kissed Adam. The kiss was soft, Ronan’s lips pliant and giving against Adam’s mouth. Ronan’s hands came up to frame Adam’s face, holding him in place as if he were going to run away if Ronan didn’t hang on. Adam covered Ronan’s hands with his own, keeping them there even when Ronan pulled away from the kiss, leaving both of them breathless.

            “I don’t want casual,” Ronan exhaled. His breath was warm against Adam’s face. Something in Adam released with Ronan’s words and he felt a giddy sense of rightness. “That’s not what this is.”

            “I know,” Adam said. He dropped his hands from Ronan’s and wrapped them around his waist instead, pulling Ronan closer. “I know.”

            Ronan kissed him again and they stumbled backward towards the bed. Adam pulled at the tank that Ronan had just put back on and Ronan allowed him to tug it back off over his head. Ronan pushed him backwards into the pillows and Adam shifted to accommodate Ronan’s weight on top of him, his fingers trailing down Ronan’s spine.

            “We have to tell Gansey now,” Adam murmured, the stray thought escaping him when Blue’s words came back to him. Ronan paused his kisses along Adam’s jawline and growled low in his throat.

            “Don’t ever mention Gansey while we’re doing this again,” he threatened.

            “ _This_ ,” Adam mocked playfully, which elicited another grumble from Ronan. Adam felt a smirk slide onto his face and he ducked to catch Ronan’s mouth with his own. “You can call it what it is, you know. Making out with your boyfriend.”

            “Boyfriend,” Ronan said, echoing the word as if it were a foreign language he was just now learning. Adam kissed the side of Ronan’s mouth as it curved into a smile.

           

\--

 

            Ronan could not remember a time in recent memory when smiling came so easily to him. Even before his father’s death, Ronan had not been the easiest person to get a laugh out of, but now he felt as though he were always just on the cusp of a smile. Even more so when Adam was nearby.

            The others noticed – it was inevitable that they did.

            Gansey had taken the news of their relationship with a quirk of the eyebrow and a few sputtered questions across the table at Nino’s until Blue kicked him to shut up. She grinned at Ronan with the promise of future interrogations sparkling in her eyes. When they got back to the townhouse that same night, she had called Noah on Skype and sat Ronan in front of the computer while Noah listened with a wide grin.

            _(“Aw, Ronan, Adam is the cute one with the freckles that Gansey brought home on the Fourth, right?” Noah asked._

_Ronan rolled his eyes and glared up at Blue who was sitting on the arm of the chair and leaning over him_

_“Yes,” Blue said, nodding seriously as if the question were of grave import. “That’s the one.”_

_“Well,” Noah sighed. “If it couldn’t be me…”_

_“You’re not gay,” Ronan reminded him caustically._

_“Exactly,” Noah agreed and Blue cackled. Ronan left them to it, retreating to his room shortly after.)_

            Things with Adam slid into a comfortable schedule after the first week of classes. Adam worked most days, but when he got off early, he would text Ronan to come over and Ronan would arrive within 15 minutes, careless of his own eagerness. The weekends were quieter, easier because Adam only worked a few hours in evenings and Ronan did his homework while he waited. Ronan was increasingly aware of the calendar as the days slid by, bringing him closer to graduation with every night. The Barns called to him so strongly that he heeded Gansey’s advice at last and called Declan. Declan had approached Gansey over the summer to broach a truce, but Ronan had not dared to believe it when Gansey had reported it to him so he had not called.

            _(“Ronan, I’m glad you called,” Declan said._   

_“Gansey told me to,” Ronan said, retreating to safer ground. Declan sighed and Ronan let the air go dead between them._

_“I have a deal for you,” Declan said at length. When Ronan did not say anything, he continued. “Gansey says you’re on track to graduate on time this year.”_

_Ronan grunted the affirmative._

_“If you stay on track,” Declan said, pausing for a long moment and letting the possibility hang between them. “I’ll allow you to start visiting the Barns again before it becomes yours in May.”_

_Ronan swallowed, not quite believing his ears and playing the words back several times before he was able to speak._

_“And what do you get in this deal?” Ronan asked._

_Declan was silent and the static on the line buzzed between them._

_“Matthew wants to have a family Christmas,” he said at last. “He’d… **we** would like for you to be there.”)_

            That was how Ronan found himself driving to Singer’s Falls for fall break with Adam in the passenger seat of the BMW. Although it had been a suffocating wait for October, Ronan did not want to go back without bringing Adam with him. It was important that he come with Ronan to the Barns, although Ronan wasn’t sure he entirely understood why.

            When he took the final turn into the gravel driveway that wound downhill to the farmhouse, Ronan’s heart leapt dangerously into his throat. It had been almost three years since he had seen this place and smelled the sweet grass that carpeted the pastures. It was a shattering sensation to be back here. Adam’s hand slid over his on the gearshift and Ronan smiled thinly at him.

            “Ready?” Adam asked.

            “Ready,” Ronan confirmed.

            That night, they lay in Ronan’s bed together, tired after a full day of driving and exploration of the dusty farmhouse, filled with forgotten treasures and memories. Adam had nuzzled his face into Ronan’s neck and was slowly kissing and licking his way across Ronan’s collarbone. Ronan felt as if he might combust right there from that sensation alone, so when Adam’s hand slipped under the waistband of Ronan’s pants, Ronan thought he was going to have a heart attack. Adam murmured against his neck as his hand brushed against Ronan’s boxers and Ronan inhaled sharply at the unexpected contact. They had never ventured farther than desperately rutting against each other through fabric and his brain scattered at the sensation of Adam’s fingers sliding along the delicate skin by his hip bone.

            “Okay?” Adam asked, pulling back to check in with Ronan. His hand was tucked into Roan’s boxers and lightly resting against his bare hip. Ronan nodded, words beyond his ability so long as Adam had a hand so close to his dick. Adam kissed him, his lips already swollen from kissing. When Adam’s hand started to move, slow and purposeful, Ronan let his head fall back into the pillow with a groan escaping him. Adam rocked against him and Ronan felt the press of Adam’s own erection against his leg, hard and unmistakable. His mind was so focused on the feeling of Adam’s hand that he didn’t even hear the slide of the drawer next to them or feel Adam shift away from him momentarily until the cold sensation of lotion on bare skin shocked him.

            “Fuck,” Ronan bit out and Adam laughed, a breathy, forced laugh that told Ronan that Adam was as affected by the moment as he was. Adam’s hand slid faster and rougher against him and it didn’t take Ronan long to feel the pressure begin to build.

            “Adam,” he said, reaching for Adam’s bare skin, sliding his hands along his broad shoulders as Adam picked up his pace. He pulled Adam’s face down to his roughly as he came, digging his fingers into Adam’s thick hair, desperate to hang on to anything as the orgasm roiled through him. “Jesus Christ.”

            Adam kissed him back, lazy and slow, until he finally pulled away. He grabbed a t-shirt from the floor beside the bed to wipe his hand on. Ronan grabbed it from him and wiped himself as clean as he could without a washcloth and fell back into the pillows. He pulled Adam back and kissed him, hard. Adam pressed against him and the amount of skin against skin was almost devastating to Ronan’s fried nerves.

            When his bones felt solid again, Ronan pushed Adam off of him and flipped over so he was straddling Adam. He licked his lips before leaning down to kiss Adam, his hands resting lightly on Adam’s hips, rubbing circles into the bare skin there. Adam’s jeans strained against his erection and Ronan was keenly aware of it as he kissed his way down Adam’s chest. Adam’s hands rested lightly on Ronan’s shoulders, flitting around his head as if Adam wasn’t sure where to put them. Ronan paused as he reached the light tuft of hair that led down into Adam’s pants. He looked up at Adam to see the other boy frozen in place, holding his breath.

            Ronan kissed the skin right above the button of Adam’s pants and saw Adam’s throat bob visibly, but he still did not exhale.

            “Breathe,” he reminded Adam. It had an immediate effect on Adam, who let his hands drop heavily on Ronan’s shoulder as he exhaled.

            “Asshole,” Adam said, but it had no real bite in it. Ronan kissed along the edge of Adam’s jeans, splaying his hands across Adam’s stomach.

            “Language, Parrish,” Ronan said with a small smile as he popped the button on Adam’s jeans and gently pulled the zipper down, careful not to catch anything in it. He eased Adam’s jeans and boxers down, freeing his erection from the prison of clothes. Ronan hesitated a bare moment, his hand hovering above Adam and his heart thudding in his ears, loud and demanding, then Adam reached down and pressed Ronan’s hand against him. Adam sighed, a little raggedly as Ronan slowly wrapped his hand around him, stroking. A minute later when Ronan took him into his mouth, tongue flattening against the delicate head of Adam’s penis, Adam swore so colorfully that Ronan almost choked.

            Ronan thought it might be the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard.

 

\--

 

            On the day after graduation, Adam loaded everything he owned into his Honda and followed Ronan’s BMW for almost six hours down to the Barns. In the fall he would be starting law school in D.C., but for the summer, he would be at the Barns with nothing to do except relax and help Ronan re-build the fence posts and lean-tos that had been let go in Ronan’s long absence.

            Time passed too quickly for Adam’s liking and the first days of August snuck up on them. Ronan had driven into D.C. to help Adam pick out a place to live a few weeks before, rejecting two sets of roommates before giving his grudging approval of a third group house. When the third house approved Adam even with Ronan’s lingering glare in their memories, Adam hoped it boded well for the next two years. It was only three hours away from the Barns, but it felt like an ocean after a summer of having Ronan at a finger length’s reach. The drive back after Adam signed the new lease was excruciating because both Ronan and Adam now knew the exact date that Adam would be leaving and it hung over them like a guillotine. They didn’t talk about it anymore once they got home that night, mutually agreeing on silence until the actual day was imminent.

            It was late one evening when they finished hanging the last of the new wire for the far pasture that Ronan broke the silence on the subject. The clock on Adam’s time left at the Barns – six days and twelve hours – was a palpable presence between them by then. As they leaned up against the fence, Adam knew Ronan was watching him with that heavy gaze of his that meant wanted to say something, but didn’t know how to yet. Adam stared out at the pasture, soaking in the last rays of sunlight and the smell of wildflowers that surrounded them, enchanted by the magic of the place around them. Ronan wrapped his arms around Adam from behind, resting his chin on Adam’s shoulder comfortably as Adam leaned over the fence post.

            “You could have a real garden here, you know,” Ronan said, his voice muffled into Adam’s sticky skin. The words sent a shiver down Adam’s spine.

            “Ronan,” Adam said, his voice full of longing. He leaned back into Ronan’s chest, and closed his eyes to the possibilities that Ronan offered so freely.

            “Lots of room for plants here, good soil too,” Ronan continued, punctuating the fantasy with a kiss to the bare skin on Adam’s throat. Adam sighed, sinking further into Ronan’s arms.

            “Ronan,” he said again, this time a warning.

            “I’m not saying ‘don’t go’,” Ronan said, his words humming against Adam’s skin. “I’m just saying that in between classes and after you’re done…”

            He trailed off, exhaling on Adam’s neck. Adam slid his hands into Ronan’s and grasped them firmly, squeezing his fingers so hard it was almost painful.

            “Adam,” Ronan said. His voice was hoarse with emotion and it clawed at Adam’s own increasingly fragile control. Adam opened his eyes to see the pasture again. The sky beyond them was turning a delicate pink as the sun disappeared and a low mist was rising from the ground. Adam turned to face Ronan, trying to banish the sadness from his mouth.

            “I’d like that,” Adam said, sliding his hands up Ronan’s shoulders until they framed his face. Ronan’s eyes were a certain shade of deep blue that broke Adam’s heart. Adam kissed him lightly, his lips dry and chapped as they whispered against Ronan’s. “I love you,” Adam said, his own voice rough to his ears.

            Ronan ducked his head, burying his face in Adam’s neck and hugging him close.

            “I love you, too,” he said.

 

\--

 

            A week later, Adam spent his first night in his small, shabby room in D.C. and tried to ignore the unfamiliar voices chattering in the living room late into the night. Every noise seemed ten times louder after a summer at the Barns, which had been the most peaceful place Adam had ever been. His heart already longed to go back and sit on the porch with Ronan while they listened to crickets and other night noises fill the air.

            In the morning, he trudged his way to his beat-up Honda, briefcase and coffee in hand on his way to campus. When he wrenched the car door open, it took him a moment to understand to what exactly was wrong, but then his eyes focused on a large pot overflowing with curling green vines that had been securely buckled into the passenger seat of the Honda.

            There was no note. Adam knew who it was from anyway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END. please share any and all thoughts with me, they are golden to me and i love all of you. <3
> 
> and don't forget, i'm pretty much glued to tumblr, [so hmu there anytime.](http://ronanlynchisneversleepingagain.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr for more "quality" content](http://ronanlynchisneversleepingagain.tumblr.com)


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